moods and finding perspective

When I found out today that Hannah doesn't intend to sell the house, and we could leave early IF her mother agreed to take over the lease before June, then she would let us leave early, I felt so angry and frustrated and stuck. I felt like it was just going to be more jerking us around, and continuing to keep up in limbo. I felt like we were going to lose a great house, and it would be Hannah's fault. It is so rare for me to feel like that. It takes a lot to make me angry, and even more for me to feel stuck, to not be able to see that whatever the problem, it won't last that long, and there is a way out of it.

So, I spent most of the day in a foul mood, wanting to just leave anyway, and screw the lease, and screw Hannah. I couldn't get out of that mood, and I hate feeling that way. Tim was the one being rational and practical, and saying that if she won't let us out of the lease, we could potentially owe a lot of money, and she might potentially take us to small claims court.

I came home, still in a bad mood, and just feeling like I couldn't deal with it, and again, it is rare for me to feel that way. Tim and I talked a lot, about whether we want to leave anyway, even if she says her mother won't move in until June, and just be done with it, or stick it out.

Gradually, my perspective started to come back and I started to feel less angry and less stuck. This isn't the only nice house in Portland. The longer we wait to move, the more money we will have saved up, and the move will be that much easier. We won't be breaking two leases in a row. I started to feel more like me, like I could face a problem, and be able to get past it with hard work and just gritting my teeth until I'm on the other side, and that it really won't be the end of the world if we don't get this house. Yes, I would be sad to lose the house, and yes, I would be unhappy to stay here until June, but we will find another house we love. I felt like the anger was making it hard for me to breathe, hard for me to think straight, hard for me to focus. I'm glad that feeling has gone away, and I am even more glad that the stuck feeling is going away. Anger I can live with to some extent, because it can be a good motivator, but the hopeless feeling is just not me, and I know that nothing bad lasts forever.

We shall see what she says, and I am going to stay optimistic that we can get this house, but I won't fall apart anymore if we don't, or if we have to stay.