work made me cry again

I've worked at jobs that were stressful, where my bosses lied to me or about me. But this job. I've come home on numerous times in tears, or so angry that I had to just go for a run, run the anger and hurt out, run it out in sweat and pushing my body hard.

But yesterday. I felt attacked in front of the head of the hospital, in front of service line business directors, my team. For stuff beyond my control. For taking on work that wasn't mine to help the department out, to help my boss out, but in turn that work kept me from doing what I was hired to do. One of the service line directors sat there in this meeting and said he was unhappy with his Web site and how he doesn't feel it's ready for the public. When the marketing person in our group who manages his stuff asked him what his problem with the site was, he said there weren't as many conditions and treatments up on the site as he wanted. He said he gave that content to ME and Kathleen and it seems like we don't have enough resources to do all the work.

That's true. We don't have the resources we need to do all the work. And we don't have the technical skills to fix our Web site, because we've lost our Web manager, and I've been filling that role as best as I can, and trying to manage our Web consultant to get Web content up. But you fucking :asshat:, how do you think it makes me look when you say in a meeting with the head of the hospital that you gave me content and it's never gone up on the Web site? When the head of the hospital doesn't know me, doens't know how many directions I've been pulled in? It just makes me look like I'm not doing my job. :rant:

And why did you deliberately not mention that it's only four items you are waiting for, and that your site went live when you fucking told us you wanted it live, and you already have more content than our other service line's web site that we built out. :complain:

I kept it together till I was back in my office, then lost it with my coworkers. Kathleen was trying to say that Mark was attacking her, was trying to attack Trish (boss who is leaving), that he was just trying to show that we do need more resources, because he wants to make a power play now that our boss is leaving. But I told Kathleen it didn't feel like that when Mark is saying he gave the content to me and it's not up. Kathleen called Mark to tell him how upset I was, and he tried to get on the phone with me to explain. I walked out of the room, I couldnt' talk to him.

Mark comes running over, and when he saw me in tears, you could tell he felt like a total fucking worm. He tried to say that he knows I'm doing the best I can, that he knows I'm pulled in five million directions. Oh really Mark? I tell him all the stuff I'm working on, and how bad it makes me feel to hear someone say I'm not delivering what I'm supposed to, because I know I have stuff on my to do list that I'm just not getting to.

I'm done. It is NOT acceptable for my job to make me cry. It is NOT acceptable to go into a meeting told ahead of time that things could get nasty. It is NOT acceptable and I'm done with it.

I've been looking for jobs, somewhat casually, I've applied to a few jobs here and there, but because I didn't want to job hop, I haven't been looking as hard as I could. But this is affecting me and Tim, because he has to see me come home in tears, or pick me up late, or have me come home so angry I can't do anythign but run. And none of that is ok. So now...job searching is my new part time job. I'm going to look into freelancing, I'm going to contact the agencies we work with, and I'm going to just apply for everything, because I need to get out.