a misfit, a puzzle piece that doesn't fit

That would be me, apparently, at least in regards to the small universe my mom lives in.

I think a lot of our conflict stems from the fact that my mom doesn't understand me, and because I don't fit into her view of the world, she thinks my decisions are bad decisions...because they are ones she can't understand and would never contemplate.

We come at life from completely opposite perspectives, and not only does it make it hard for her to understand how I live my life, but I think she sees me (or maybe herself?) as a failure somehow, because I don't fit her expectations. She is very tied to STUFF. She is always shopping. She always buys STUFF, for her, for her house, and buying stuff is how she shows she loves someone.

And she is afraid of a lot. Change is a big one. She doesn't handle change well at all. And she really does have a small world.

What's important to her, is just not important to me, and I think she wonders why and feels bad, because I have really nothing of her in my personality.

In her world, clean windows and fancy guest towels that match the shower curtain are important. Having good china and crystal are important. Making sure all your clothes are ironed is important.

None of that is important to me. I don't have window curtains. If I can see fine out the windows, I would never think to clean them. Our towels don't match, and we certainly don't have and never will have guest towels, the ones that hang on display that no one can use. I don't own an iron. Owning plates I would never use just seems like a waste. Over christmas, she got really upset thinking that when she dies, I would most likely sell all her stuff. I told her I would keep what's important to me, but china plates really arent' that important to me. And she was really upset, saying "but they are important to me."

She values stuff. I think having stuff makes her feel secure. I think she judges her place in the world, and others, by how much or how little stuff they have. I don't value stuff. Tim and I, we value experiences. We would rather have less stuff so we can do more things.

We aren't afraid of change. Sure, it can be scary, but it is also a fun adventure. We like seeing where life is going to take us. We like trying new things.

Like moving. When I told my dad we were likely moving to north carolina, he was excited to have us close by, and figured we would move at some point, because neither Tim or I are especially rooted in one place.

To my mother, nothing is scarier, and nothing makes less sense. She thought it was a mistake. She kept saying stuff like, "what happens if you don't like it there?" Are you just going to move again in a few years? (answer...probably, yes). And I know in some ways, she considers me this flaky kid who is making irresponsible decisions, who can't hold a job, and who doesn't have roots. She thinks that because I have left several jobs that looks bad (to her? to her friends?). What she really wants me to do is live somewhere in New England, have a steady job, and stay there, whether it is healthy for me or not. I would have a house, I would stay in one place.

And she knows that is not me and she hates that I will never be the daughter she envisioned. (I'm not saying she hates me, I know that's not true, just that she doesn't understand how she has a daughter who doesn't value anything she does, and who doesn't fit her preconceived notion of what her daughter would be like).

And that's where the misfit part comes in. I don't fit with what she wants, with what she understands, so she can't look at my decisions, at my way of life, as a positive thing.

My mom to me towards the end of the conversation when I told her we were very likely moving, "well, I'm sorry, I just have a lot of mixed feelings about this."

But progress for me...I don't. I'm not upset by her reaction, I'm not angry. It just is. I'm excited for us, I'm excited for a new adventure, and Tim and I know we are doing the right thing for us, whether she understands or approves or not.