real push-ups, bay-bee

I can do a lot of girly (on my knees) push ups, but I used to not be strong enough to do real push ups, or at least not do more than one or two. So, I kept doing my girly push ups.

But I know I'm stronger now, thanks to weight training, so I decided to try some real push ups last night, and was able to do 15 comfortably. Cool! After that I finished up with 30 more girly push ups.

What can you do that you think you can't? What were you unable to do once or twice and have stopped trying? And if you can't do it now...what can you do to make it a reality? Doing stuff you thought you couldn't is a great feeling.

What do I have to do

to look in the mirror and not see a fat girl looking back?

What do I have to do to like how I look in clothes?

What do I have to do to like what I see in the mirror, and not see flaws and bumps and bulges and mom arms and a thick middle, no matter how much Tim says I have nice arms or I look great.

What do I have to do to not feel frumpy and fat in work clothes? I feel like no matter what I try for clothes, I never find tops that fit me well. Blouses always gap, but if I go big enough that they don't gap, they look ridiculous on me. If they are short, they make my short torso even shorter, enhancing my short, frumpy mom look.

I tried on outfits for tomorrow and hated how I looked in everything.

So, what do I have to do to like the girl I see in the mirror?

Going down a new path...

The gate is open, inviting me down a new path. New job, new decade, new city. I don't know where the path leads, but I'm curious to see what surprises I will find.

I'm excited about turning 30, it seems so big. And I feel like I am more comfortable with who I am and what is important to me now than I was at 20 or 25.

one week till...

I'm employed again.

I've been freelancing since November. I haven't had any work at all since April, and that was only six hours for the month. I haven't had to get up or be on a schedule for months and months.

And you know what? I am so ready to not be on vacation mode anymore, ready to actually get up every morning and go to work. I've been really, really bored. And now I know exactly how little you can do, and I'm ready for a change. And it will be really, really fantastic to have money return to normal and actually start building our savings again.

Plus, as much as I've loved being home with the boy and Myrawonderpup, I think it will be really good for me and Tim to not be together literally 24/7. I will really miss having the pup with me all day though.

On to new adventures!

Signs, everywhere

"Compliments accepted"















"Insight, freedom, wisdom, compassion, attitudinal healing"















"Gates lead anywhere"

running four miles fast and a lot of push ups...

can cure almost anything.

I've always been one to turn to exercise when I'm angry, upset, whatever. A hard workout, loud music and a lot of sweat have a way of getting rid a lot of emotions or at least helping you work through them. Running for me helps me keep my head on straight.

Yesterday was one of those days when I needed to run to clear my head and get me back on an even keel.

We switched our car insurance yesterday to a NC policy, and our bill dropped by about $60, which is cool because we've been paying WAY more for insurance than we should have been. But we had to pay them yesterday for the new policy, even though they just took out a payment last week for our old policy. And even though they are going to put most of the other payment back in our account, it just set me off.

This move has been so much more expensive than we ever thought. It has taken virtually all of our savings, even though we had planned initially that we would have enough money in checking to cover just about everything and not touch what was left in savings. The universe had other plans apparently. Combine that with the fact that I haven't brought in a substantial paycheck, and won't bring in a substantial paycheck until the end of next month, and we've been doing the fast money juggle and shuffle. We have a very small buffer for an emergency, but after being so good about saving for so long, it's hard to just keep see money flying out the door and seeing our available money until Tim gets his next paycheck get smaller and smaller. For a while, it was even looking like we wouldn't have any money to do anything for my birthday.

So paying an extra car insurance payment just really put me in a bad mood. I KNOW our money is going to be stabilizing soon. I know that once July starts and once I start at Duke, we'll be pretty much to where we were when I was working at OHSU. But in the moment, it was hard to see that. So I got on the treadmill, cranked up my shuffle and just ran. Set the treadmill on a fast setting and just sweated it all out. And then I did about 50 pushups.

Needless to say, the anger burned off, I was able to think clearly again and get my head on straight. And know that things really will be ok.

Great to read, think about, strive for

Words of wisdom from the Dalai lama

goodbye size 4

For a relatively short period of time, I was a size four. At the time, I loved that I was able to buy clothes that small, and I felt good about myself because of a number.

I kept a lot of the clothes, thinking maybe I would fit in them again, but today, I cleaned out my closet and bureau, and came up with two and a half bags to donate, and another half to 3/4 bag of clothes to throw away. Most of the clothes being donated are my size fours.

I like where I am now, and I think (and Tim agrees) that I look healthier now than I did as a four, because I looked unhealthy skinny at that weight. It's also a very hard weight to maintain for me, which makes me think that while I can get down to that size, it is not where it is best for my body to be.

I don't care anymore that I'm not a size four. I care more about the fact that I feel stronger, that I feel healthier, that I can run for long periods of time, that my running speeds have improved. And that now that I have figured out I can't handle gluten, my bloating and stomach pain have gone away.

It felt great to get rid of those clothes, and to like my body for more than just a clothes size.

time for me, time for planning

I really don't have any work to do, so instead I'm going to use the time before my trip to focus on me, to plan for the trip, job search in NC, and just generally do good things for myself.

That includes journaling, stretching, more strength training, trying gluten-free recipes (had a minor flare up again, discovered while I might be able to eat spelt once in a while, I can't have it all the time, since it still contains gluten. I think twice a week, with two or three days in between is about the most I should have it).

I will also plan out things to see and do in Raleigh/Durham while I'm there, try to plan out routes to take while I'm there so I make the most of my time there.

I'm also going to spend time working on my story.

I have all this time right now that I don't have to be doing anything, so it is just going to be all focusing on good for me things.

a misfit, a puzzle piece that doesn't fit

That would be me, apparently, at least in regards to the small universe my mom lives in.

I think a lot of our conflict stems from the fact that my mom doesn't understand me, and because I don't fit into her view of the world, she thinks my decisions are bad decisions...because they are ones she can't understand and would never contemplate.

We come at life from completely opposite perspectives, and not only does it make it hard for her to understand how I live my life, but I think she sees me (or maybe herself?) as a failure somehow, because I don't fit her expectations. She is very tied to STUFF. She is always shopping. She always buys STUFF, for her, for her house, and buying stuff is how she shows she loves someone.

And she is afraid of a lot. Change is a big one. She doesn't handle change well at all. And she really does have a small world.

What's important to her, is just not important to me, and I think she wonders why and feels bad, because I have really nothing of her in my personality.

In her world, clean windows and fancy guest towels that match the shower curtain are important. Having good china and crystal are important. Making sure all your clothes are ironed is important.

None of that is important to me. I don't have window curtains. If I can see fine out the windows, I would never think to clean them. Our towels don't match, and we certainly don't have and never will have guest towels, the ones that hang on display that no one can use. I don't own an iron. Owning plates I would never use just seems like a waste. Over christmas, she got really upset thinking that when she dies, I would most likely sell all her stuff. I told her I would keep what's important to me, but china plates really arent' that important to me. And she was really upset, saying "but they are important to me."

She values stuff. I think having stuff makes her feel secure. I think she judges her place in the world, and others, by how much or how little stuff they have. I don't value stuff. Tim and I, we value experiences. We would rather have less stuff so we can do more things.

We aren't afraid of change. Sure, it can be scary, but it is also a fun adventure. We like seeing where life is going to take us. We like trying new things.

Like moving. When I told my dad we were likely moving to north carolina, he was excited to have us close by, and figured we would move at some point, because neither Tim or I are especially rooted in one place.

To my mother, nothing is scarier, and nothing makes less sense. She thought it was a mistake. She kept saying stuff like, "what happens if you don't like it there?" Are you just going to move again in a few years? (answer...probably, yes). And I know in some ways, she considers me this flaky kid who is making irresponsible decisions, who can't hold a job, and who doesn't have roots. She thinks that because I have left several jobs that looks bad (to her? to her friends?). What she really wants me to do is live somewhere in New England, have a steady job, and stay there, whether it is healthy for me or not. I would have a house, I would stay in one place.

And she knows that is not me and she hates that I will never be the daughter she envisioned. (I'm not saying she hates me, I know that's not true, just that she doesn't understand how she has a daughter who doesn't value anything she does, and who doesn't fit her preconceived notion of what her daughter would be like).

And that's where the misfit part comes in. I don't fit with what she wants, with what she understands, so she can't look at my decisions, at my way of life, as a positive thing.

My mom to me towards the end of the conversation when I told her we were very likely moving, "well, I'm sorry, I just have a lot of mixed feelings about this."

But progress for me...I don't. I'm not upset by her reaction, I'm not angry. It just is. I'm excited for us, I'm excited for a new adventure, and Tim and I know we are doing the right thing for us, whether she understands or approves or not.

wanna see how fast I can run?

Yesterday, I had a great wellness exercise class, we ran to the track and did a lot of sprints. We would sprint the straight away, then do an easy walk or jog on the corners. We would run a few laps at normal pace, then go back to the sprinting.

I felt like I was flying, and like I was back in school, trying to see how fast I can run. (Sidenote, in elementary school, I was the fastest kid in the school for a very little while. I beat out the fastest boy once. It was cool!) I have absolutely gotten faster and stronger, and it was so much fun to just really push it and see how hard I could run.

"Yeah, I run like a girl. Try to keep up!" From one of the best t-shirts I've seen in a long time, and I need to find it and buy it.

the me who is not me

Between my skin and not sleeping and still waiting to hear about the job and having really no work to do at all, I have definitely not been "me" lately. I'm sure I've been mildly depressed, which I'm sure has been contributing to my lack of desire to do stuff (well, that and not sleeping much for a week). The fact that I've still been exercising pretty consistently is more from my desire to not lose ground aerobically than any real strong desire to exercise.

But tonight...it went away. My head feels normal. I feel more aware and alert. I'm sure it helps that I broke out the wonder skin medicine. But it's nice to feel like me again :)

Change your focus....and poof! Things aren't so hard

Once again, as soon as we decided to confront a problem that has been lingering over our heads, it instantly isn't a problem anymore.

Let me explain.

For years now, the State of Maine has insisted that Tim owed them taxes for the year 2000, even though he lived in Massachusetts for all of that year. He had previously submitted all kinds of paperwork to them, his Mass tax return and federal tax return for that year, his lease in Massachusetts, etc.

But Maine kept insisting he owed them money.

We've ignored it for a long time. At one point, Tim called someone he knew in Maine who was an accountant, but we never did anything further.

But one by one, we've been knocking off outstanding stuff that has just been hanging over our heads, and each time, it's not as bad as we feared, and in most cases, it instantly got better. In some cases, the answer appeared as soon as we decided to address the problem.

So Tim decided it was time to deal with Maine. He was going to call the accountant he knows in Maine, find out how to get a lawyer in Maine and pay the lawyer to contact the State Department. He was preparing to go find all that paperwork again.

And so he went to look at one of the letters that Maine sent him (assuming it was just one of the bills they keep sending). The letter said that the State department had reviewed the paperwork Tim had submitted and accepted them. There is a $0 balance and Tim doesn't owe them any money.

That's it. Poof. Problem gone. We've had this letter for months, but never looked at it (part of us ignoring stuff), just assuming it was one of the bills.

Once you face the problems and challenges in your life, I think they have a lot less hold over you, and you can get through them...sometimes easier than others, but they really won't go away until you confront them.

habits and fears become us

I've noticed that our fears tend to get more pronounced as we get older. Take my mother for example. She's always been claustrophobic, but now it is to the point that she freaks out, her starts racing and she can't breathe as soon as she feels even a little confined. She can't even have anything close to a neck (she can't wear chokers and has to have v-neck or open neck shirts). Same with driving. She is ok driving in a very small area, but hates highway driving, and again, it is to the point that if she has to drive further than she normally does, her blood pressure goes up, she gets horribly stressed.

For a while, I just sort of assumed that these things just get worse as you get older. But how much of that is due to decades of repeating things like, "I'm claustrophobic," or "I can't go in there," or "I can't drive that far," etc.

Words have a lot of power, I know that much. What would happen if every time your instinct was to say I can't do this, I'm afraid, I'm afraid of heights, I'm claustrophobic, I hate being in crowds, instead you said something positive. I like heights. I love crowds. I will be fine in small spaces? If it became a habit to say something positive whenever you were going to not do something because of fear, would the fear lose some or much of its power eventually?

Same with habits. We are creatures of habit. We like routine. We like things we know. So that means you have the power to always choose good habits. And the more often you choose it, the more ingrained it will become, to the point where doing the good thing is the normal response, not the one you have to talk yourself into, or you try to find a way out of. It just becomes you.

the power of manifesting and visualizing

This is a letter I wrote to the universe months ago, describing the type of work and work environment I wanted.
I want a job:

-- that is fun to go to
-- where the other employees are happy and like their jobs
-- that encourages creativity
-- some place bright and open with lots of light
-- where my talents are recognized
-- where I am a valued member of the team
-- that is close to a good coffee shop
-- that excites me
-- that gives me interesting creative challenges
-- where the employees work closely as a solid, strong team
-- where I can grow creatively
--with a boss who knows how to be a good boss
-- with a boss who supports me in my work and my growth
-- for a company that is respected for the work it does
-- for a company that has good relationships with its clients
-- for a company that respects that I have a life outside of work
-- with coworkers who look forward to coming to work
-- with coworkers who are professional and play nicely together
-- for a company where I can occasionally wear jeans to work
-- for a company that is growing and moving forward
-- for a company that cares about the community and the environment
-- in a location that is close to good veggie food
-- for a company that offers generous vacation time
-- for a company that has a good retirement package
-- for a company that really values its employees

From everything I've heard and seen and how they are handling the interview process, this list is pretty much right on with the company I've been interviewing with.

I believe in the power of manifestation, and I believe in putting your wishes out into the universe and allowing it to come into your life when you are ready. Writing down what you want has power, visualizing what you want has power.

To quote from the Daily Message from the Universe: Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones.

Exactly.

Inviting in joy

Idea from Omgirly

I love the idea of inviting more joy into your life, as well as deliberately seeking it out. It is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day -- paying bills, working, cleaning, making dinner, grocery shopping -- that days can go by without doing some of the things that bring you joy. So I thought if I wrote out some of the things that bring my joy, make me happy, it would be easier to remember to always seek them out and invite them in for a cup of tea :)

-- Running in the woods
-- Journaling
-- Drawing
-- Enjoying a cup of tea
-- Baking
-- Trying new recipes
-- Hiking
-- Playing soccer with Myra
-- Looking for small, pretty things on walks (new flowers, cool trees)
-- Making cards
-- Writing letters
-- Knitting
-- Cranking up itunes and dancing around the house
-- Wandering around Powells
-- Walking barefoot through the sand
-- Having friends over for dinner
-- Curling up on the couch under a blanket, reading, with a cup of tea nearby
-- Having a pot of tea in a pretty pot and cup, such as at the Tao of Tea
-- Road trips
-- Buying new pens or new card making supplies
-- Reading blogs, getting inspired
-- Finding new music, either through bloggie recommendations or playing around on itunes
-- Writing neatly, not rushed, so the writing itself looks pretty
-- Running in the rain (I have to remember that when it rains, that after the first few minutes, I actually really like it)
-- Napping, curled up under lots of blankets, with the pup nearby
-- Spending time with friends
-- Going out to dinner with Tim
-- Cold Stone Creamery (something that will be severely limited now that I'm pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant)
-- Watching Firefly
-- Watching Pixar movies
-- Driving over the Hawthorne bridge into downtown, and just loving how pretty the city is

That's a lot of joy :)

The little things

I spent two hours talking to my mom today, mostly about her frustrations at work. Financially, she really needs to keep her job, but she is so angry at the managers, that I'm afraid she's going to say or do something stupid and jeopardize her job.

She is especially angry about really little things that don't make a difference, but she's refusing to do them, which I'm sure her bosses, who already don't always like her attitude, won't appreciate.

She doesn't want to wear t-shirts with the bank's name on it on casual fridays. I told her it was one day a week where she didn't have to worry about what she wore for clothes. No, she's not in a uniformed high school and she wore bank t-shirts once before and she won't do it again.

She doesn't want to wear a name tag, because her name is already on the sign in front of her work station.

She's disgusted by how the "kids" at work dress and how they don't dress appropriately. I tell her that doesn't reflect on her and don't let it get her mad. She can't let it go.

But maybe it is easier to get mad about the little stuff, the stuff that feels controllable than dealing with the bigger, scarier monsters.

All these little things by themselves are just that. Little. But knowing her temper, they can add up to big things pretty fast. I hope they don't.

A look back...

Two weeks ago...T and I had our first christmas and I rediscovered my passion for the holiday. The music, the lights, buying presents, opening presents.

Three months ago... things were about as bad as they could get at work and I made the decision to leave. There have been some challenges and some settling in, but it has definitely been a healthy, positive, empowering decision.

Nine months ago...we had one of our most challenging months, when everything seemed to hit at once. Forced to move because of our previous landlord's crazy flipflopping on whether she was going to sell the house we were living in, dealing with telling her we weren't going to pay our last month rent and were going to use the security deposit because it was the only way we could afford to move. My wallet was stolen out of my office at work. Sarah died :( and Tim had to get a last minute flight back east. I finally saw clearly that I didn't have a real friendship with my supposed best friend back east and I made the decision to just end it and walk away. But through it all, Tim and I kept each other sane and moving forward.

A year ago...was our first January in Portland. We went back east for a belated christmas the first week of January and had the fallout from that. From my mom saying she didn't understand how I could make the money I said I did and not be able to afford to come back on Christmas to lots of comments of how it really wasn't christmas because we weren't celebrating on the actual holiday.

16 months ago...my mom had a seizure and got a compression fracture in her spine. It wasn't the first time we wondered if we should continue living in Portland, but we definitely talked very seriously about whether we would need to move back. I felt useless here and had practically no money available to fly back. I wanted to go talk to her doctors, get her into a real hospital in Boston, not the crap one they were at, and just be there.

17 months ago...I got the job at OHSU, complete with a huge pay raise. It felt like the job had been written for me, and I felt very lucky to have been selected. Even though the office part of the job didn't always work out, it was such a great experience for me to be there, I learned a lot, and I love that I can continue working for them.

18 months ago....we moved into our house on Freeman Street. It was cute, and we had more privacy, and we were out of the hated Atherton apartments. I was still working for Athena, and I flew back east three times between the end of June and end of July. I'm still not sure how we managed it financially, since we don't have credit cards and had to wait until I was reimbursed for one plane ticket before I could buy another one.

There's been a lot of growth, a lot of change, and a lot of settling in. But despite the challenges, I've loved the ride and I like the path we are on now. I have some great friends out here now, my job situation is much healthier, Tim and I love Portland even more now that we know it better, we are in a good place to buy a house in the next coming months, we are feeling good physically.

the good with the bad

The bad -- Collection agency called today, to collect on the money we owe the first (nasty) apartment we had out here. We broke our lease, and it was worth knowing we might owe money, just to get out of there. And we don't owe them all that much really, I just hadn't paid it, thinking it would go away (foolish I know, it never goes away). I was planning on paying it off in the new year anyway, because I want all the niggling litle debts gone when we go to apply for a mortgage.

The good -- It actually hasn't been reported on my credit report yet. By paying at the end of the month, it stays off my credit report, and the debt is gone, I don't have to think about it.

I actually feel better knowing it is paid, and knowing I won't have to get it removed from my credit report. Now all I have left are some fairly small outstanding medical bills (thank you, former employer, my insurance was awful, even though I worked for a hospital). And then my credit will actually be in pretty good shape (virtually no debt, nothing currently in the negative check mark column).

So, I am looking at this as a healthy way to start the new year.

Hard to ask for what I'm worth

I just filled out my first freelance invoices, where I had to bill OHSU for the hours I worked on different projects. I have to break out the invoices into marketing and communications, and then by specific project.

I kept track of my hours I worked, but even when I was keeping track of my hours, my natural instinct was to say it took me less time than it did, I think because I thought...they won't think it really took me x hours, even though they weren't expecting me to do everything in an hour. It took me a while when I worked there, so why would they expect that to change?

And then when I had to through for the invoice, and assign hours and dollars for projects, it was hard, I again wanted to sell myself short. "What if they get mad about me charging so much? What if they question it?"

Now, logically I know (and Tim has been reminding me), that I didn't make up my hourly rate on a whim. I was initially going to charge less than what Kathryn's bad freelancer charged (who essentially submitted my notes as her work-- not a finished product). And I got a range from Sue's other freelancer, and I immediately put myself in the very low end of that range.

I don't know why I am uncomfortable to ask for what I am worth, or to charge for the hours I actually worked.

As Tim reminds me, they could possibly get someone a little cheaper, but they wouldn't know the material as well or possibly be as reliable. They also know generally what I'm charging, and Sue especially was surprised I finished one of the projects so quickly, so she certainly wasn't worried about the hours (and she just gave me a ton of new projects, which will require a lot of hours). But it was very weird to bill for my services.

That will have to be something I work on, getting more comfortable charging the hours I work, and getting more comfortable charging what I know is a fair and market rate.