Traveling!

We will be back in Mass tomorrow night, for the first time since Christmas, and we are both more than ready. One of the many cool parts: we only have a two hour flight to get there!!

Other cool parts: My parents are flying us up

We're having a cookout at my parents on Saturday, and I will get to see almost everyone I really care about all in one place.

I get to go to my beach, one of my favorite places in the world.

And oh yeah, I turn 30 on Sunday. That's not too bad either.

a misfit, a puzzle piece that doesn't fit

That would be me, apparently, at least in regards to the small universe my mom lives in.

I think a lot of our conflict stems from the fact that my mom doesn't understand me, and because I don't fit into her view of the world, she thinks my decisions are bad decisions...because they are ones she can't understand and would never contemplate.

We come at life from completely opposite perspectives, and not only does it make it hard for her to understand how I live my life, but I think she sees me (or maybe herself?) as a failure somehow, because I don't fit her expectations. She is very tied to STUFF. She is always shopping. She always buys STUFF, for her, for her house, and buying stuff is how she shows she loves someone.

And she is afraid of a lot. Change is a big one. She doesn't handle change well at all. And she really does have a small world.

What's important to her, is just not important to me, and I think she wonders why and feels bad, because I have really nothing of her in my personality.

In her world, clean windows and fancy guest towels that match the shower curtain are important. Having good china and crystal are important. Making sure all your clothes are ironed is important.

None of that is important to me. I don't have window curtains. If I can see fine out the windows, I would never think to clean them. Our towels don't match, and we certainly don't have and never will have guest towels, the ones that hang on display that no one can use. I don't own an iron. Owning plates I would never use just seems like a waste. Over christmas, she got really upset thinking that when she dies, I would most likely sell all her stuff. I told her I would keep what's important to me, but china plates really arent' that important to me. And she was really upset, saying "but they are important to me."

She values stuff. I think having stuff makes her feel secure. I think she judges her place in the world, and others, by how much or how little stuff they have. I don't value stuff. Tim and I, we value experiences. We would rather have less stuff so we can do more things.

We aren't afraid of change. Sure, it can be scary, but it is also a fun adventure. We like seeing where life is going to take us. We like trying new things.

Like moving. When I told my dad we were likely moving to north carolina, he was excited to have us close by, and figured we would move at some point, because neither Tim or I are especially rooted in one place.

To my mother, nothing is scarier, and nothing makes less sense. She thought it was a mistake. She kept saying stuff like, "what happens if you don't like it there?" Are you just going to move again in a few years? (answer...probably, yes). And I know in some ways, she considers me this flaky kid who is making irresponsible decisions, who can't hold a job, and who doesn't have roots. She thinks that because I have left several jobs that looks bad (to her? to her friends?). What she really wants me to do is live somewhere in New England, have a steady job, and stay there, whether it is healthy for me or not. I would have a house, I would stay in one place.

And she knows that is not me and she hates that I will never be the daughter she envisioned. (I'm not saying she hates me, I know that's not true, just that she doesn't understand how she has a daughter who doesn't value anything she does, and who doesn't fit her preconceived notion of what her daughter would be like).

And that's where the misfit part comes in. I don't fit with what she wants, with what she understands, so she can't look at my decisions, at my way of life, as a positive thing.

My mom to me towards the end of the conversation when I told her we were very likely moving, "well, I'm sorry, I just have a lot of mixed feelings about this."

But progress for me...I don't. I'm not upset by her reaction, I'm not angry. It just is. I'm excited for us, I'm excited for a new adventure, and Tim and I know we are doing the right thing for us, whether she understands or approves or not.

The little things

I spent two hours talking to my mom today, mostly about her frustrations at work. Financially, she really needs to keep her job, but she is so angry at the managers, that I'm afraid she's going to say or do something stupid and jeopardize her job.

She is especially angry about really little things that don't make a difference, but she's refusing to do them, which I'm sure her bosses, who already don't always like her attitude, won't appreciate.

She doesn't want to wear t-shirts with the bank's name on it on casual fridays. I told her it was one day a week where she didn't have to worry about what she wore for clothes. No, she's not in a uniformed high school and she wore bank t-shirts once before and she won't do it again.

She doesn't want to wear a name tag, because her name is already on the sign in front of her work station.

She's disgusted by how the "kids" at work dress and how they don't dress appropriately. I tell her that doesn't reflect on her and don't let it get her mad. She can't let it go.

But maybe it is easier to get mad about the little stuff, the stuff that feels controllable than dealing with the bigger, scarier monsters.

All these little things by themselves are just that. Little. But knowing her temper, they can add up to big things pretty fast. I hope they don't.

considering my previous post

My dream last night should come as no surprise.

I was at some sort of party or event, and my mother was there. She was criticizing things I was doing, things I liked, until I finally snapped and yelled at her that I didn't even want her at that event, but I only let her come because she wouldn't shut up. And I said all she does is criticize my decisions, and that's why I didn't want her to come.

In reality, I know that she's a fearful person. She's afraid of a lot of things, and since their financial situation is so bad, she is going to worry about me and my financial situation, because if I "mess it up" or do something stupid (like leaving a very bad for me job without something lined up), she can't help me. And she would never consider doing some of the things I've done in my life. So she can't understand it. But even knowing that, it doesn't make it easier to deal with her.

Bah.

Why I hate telling my mother things

Ug.

My mom often accuses me of not telling her things, or not telling her things until after the fact. She has asked me why I feel like I can't tell her things, or why I feel like I need to be perfect for them.

Well, there's a good reason for that. I tell her what's going on in my life, and she judges me, criticizes, finds the negative, and then tells me that I'm putting all this stress on her.

Take yesterday. So I gave my notice a few weeks ago. Well, I hadn't told her yet, because I didn't want to have to deal with the conversation. But since this is my last week and my work email will expire on Friday, I had to tell them.

So I told her how miserable I've been at my job, how much it was affecting me (all of which she knew -- her answer was always to just stick it out because everyone has a bad job. Not helpful, thanks). I told her how unfair it was to T.

Yesterday, I told her I gave them my notice, and I already have two different freelance contracts in place to start writing for them immediately, and I can make more than twice per hour compared to what I am making now. I stretched the truth and said I have a six month contract in place. It will probably be more like a four month contract that they will renew. I also told her I will be working with three different creative staffing agencies, who will all be looking for work for me.

She immediately started sounding stressed and upset and teary, saying you left without having a job? And well that's only for six-months, what will you do after that? And you won't have healthcare or vacation time.

And on and on. She only focused on the negative and the uncertain. I tried to tell her I couldn't wait until I found a job because there wouldn't be anything left of me. "You keep putting all this stress on me," was her response. Thanks, Mom.

She made it out like I am irresponsible, like I'm being stupid and foolhardy, and that I keep making bad decisions (I have left another job without another job lined up in the past, and I was out of work for about 6 weeks before I got hired at a great company, and T and I were fine financially. But nope, that was still a bad decision). She finally ended the conversation with, 'well, you know what's best I suppose, and I can't tell you anything anyway.' There wasn't anything I could say to make her see that this is a good thing.

This attitude doesn't make me want to tell her things that are going on in my life. Because not only did she treat me like a stupid kid who makes bad decisions, but she will throw this back in my face for ever now, no matter how good things get after this.

dreams

I keep dreaming about my parents, specifically about their health and their finances, the two things I worry about the most for them. While I always sort of worry about their finances, these dreams probably started up again when my mom asked me for our christmas lists. I just hate that no matter what I say or do, she's going to spend more than she should on us, because she somehow thinks it is important. She really doesn't understand that I would be fine with a couple books and dvds. But even though their money situation is not good and they don't really have extra money anymore, they still keep spending money and putting things on credit cards.

I just wish they would pull their heads out of the sand and start making financial decisions for the future. But I can't control it, so I just worry about it. And dream about them spending foolishly and yell at them in my dreams, which is the only place it seems I can yell at them because they don't hear me in real life.

And my mom's health. She's doing mostly ok, but her memory isn't great and I know it upsets her, and it is still hard for her to do things physically. So I dream about her telling me she's worried about her health, or dream that she has more problems.

I hate worrying about things I can't control, but I don't know how to just let it go. Sigh