My mother, also known as Eeyore.

It is getting more and more depressing to talk to my mother. Today, for example. Last week, my dad's car started having problems with the heater, it wouldn't turn on. She brought it to a mechanic she knows, and had to leave it there today for them to work on tomorrow. 

Di had suggested at first that they check the anti-freeze, and my mom replied, oh you know it can never be that simple for us. It wasn't the antifreeze, but it was the comment that shows so much about her attitude. 

She can't see anything in a positive light right now, and she also can't think past the problems to try and find a different way to deal with stuff. 

So now she is expecting the car repair to be expensive, and they might have to use my dad's bonus money to pay for it, even though that was the money they were planning to use to come out here. 

She was also talking about how my dad's new computer didn't work when he got it, some problem with the motherboard. She made a comment that he'll have to return it, and the company might try to give him a refurbished one. "When you are spending that much money, you don't want a used computer, you don't want to deal with that." I tried to point out that refurbished computers are actually more tested than new ones, so they are less likely to have problems, and they are also cheaper. But she can't see that as a good thing. Sigh.

A day at the coast

We drove out to Cannon Beach yesterday, and it was perfect. It was so nice to be out of the house and get out of town for the day. 

Cannon Beach is such a cute town, it reminds me of Ogunquit, ME or maybe York, ME. The beach itself is beautiful. Seeing Haystack Rock that close is impressive, and makes for very dramatic pictures. 

There were lots of happy dogs playing in the sand, and I can't wait to go back with Myra. She will love playing on the beach and probably playing in the water. 

It was so cool to go hiking right after going to the beach. It was rejuvenating to be on the beach, and just be relaxed and wander around. Things have been stressful lately with the house, and now we both feel in much better frames of mind about everything. And now I'm excited to start doing more day trips again. 

Posting from a blog widget....very cool. Don't have to launch the blog, I just have to click on the widget. Apple is so good at coming up with useful features. 

Well, it is Friday and we still haven't heard from Hannah, despite her promise that we would know NO LATER THAN YESTERDAY what her mother's plans are. 

We talked to a renter's hotline out here and got some great advice from a lady Mikki works with (thank you!!)). It sounds like her treatment of us is not fair tenant treatment. It also sounds like even if we leave, she can only come after us for money that she didn't get from the time we left to the time it takes her to find another tenant. She already knows who is moving in here (her mother) and she is taking it off as a rental property, so she can't come after us for any lost rent money. 

That said, if we are officially offered the SE house, we are going to take it. And I don't doubt that we will be offered the house, they want us as tenants. We are looking at an April 1st move in, and I couldn't be more excited. We love the house, we will be able to get it set up really nicely, and it meets almost all of our requirements. 

A nice conclusion to such a stressful two months here, thanks to Hannah. 

savings, and feeling better financially

We have been putting money into ING and savings every week, trying to put more in than normal because of the move.

But tonight, we actually sat down and figured out what percent of income that we can put into savings each week, and just have the money come out automatically, so we don't even have to think about it. We discovered we can comfortably put 20% of our paychecks into savings each week, 10% into ING and 10% into regular savings. Obviously, my 20% would be higher, but we are putting the same percent in each week.

20% still leaves us cash on hand, and emergency or play money for the week. If we stay on this plan, and it doesn't seem hard, especially since I am getting better about budgeting, we should be able to have $6,000 in ING and $6,000 in regular savings in a year.

Knowing how many financial mistakes my parents have made, and how...not optimistic their financial future looks, it is a really nice feeling to know we are going to be building up our savings steadily, but without it feeling like too much work. That's not to say that this isn't work, because budgeting is definitely work, but I think the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And when savings is just a part of that budget, it becomes somethign you don't think about. The thought of ending up like my parents, close to retirement with no money and the possibility of losing their house, terrifies me, and I really want to take steps now to prevent that. I really like that we are both working toward this, and saving for our future, for a house, for money to pay off stuff if we want to.

moods and finding perspective

When I found out today that Hannah doesn't intend to sell the house, and we could leave early IF her mother agreed to take over the lease before June, then she would let us leave early, I felt so angry and frustrated and stuck. I felt like it was just going to be more jerking us around, and continuing to keep up in limbo. I felt like we were going to lose a great house, and it would be Hannah's fault. It is so rare for me to feel like that. It takes a lot to make me angry, and even more for me to feel stuck, to not be able to see that whatever the problem, it won't last that long, and there is a way out of it.

So, I spent most of the day in a foul mood, wanting to just leave anyway, and screw the lease, and screw Hannah. I couldn't get out of that mood, and I hate feeling that way. Tim was the one being rational and practical, and saying that if she won't let us out of the lease, we could potentially owe a lot of money, and she might potentially take us to small claims court.

I came home, still in a bad mood, and just feeling like I couldn't deal with it, and again, it is rare for me to feel that way. Tim and I talked a lot, about whether we want to leave anyway, even if she says her mother won't move in until June, and just be done with it, or stick it out.

Gradually, my perspective started to come back and I started to feel less angry and less stuck. This isn't the only nice house in Portland. The longer we wait to move, the more money we will have saved up, and the move will be that much easier. We won't be breaking two leases in a row. I started to feel more like me, like I could face a problem, and be able to get past it with hard work and just gritting my teeth until I'm on the other side, and that it really won't be the end of the world if we don't get this house. Yes, I would be sad to lose the house, and yes, I would be unhappy to stay here until June, but we will find another house we love. I felt like the anger was making it hard for me to breathe, hard for me to think straight, hard for me to focus. I'm glad that feeling has gone away, and I am even more glad that the stuck feeling is going away. Anger I can live with to some extent, because it can be a good motivator, but the hopeless feeling is just not me, and I know that nothing bad lasts forever.

We shall see what she says, and I am going to stay optimistic that we can get this house, but I won't fall apart anymore if we don't, or if we have to stay.

letter to our landlord, sent last night

We were tired of not having an answer from her, so we sent her the letter below. It was hard to be polite, but we wanted to show how we have done everything because of what she told us.

Hi Hannah,

Hope you had a nice long weekend.

I know from our last e-mail that you wanted to think about the house and what your plans are for it over the weekend.

On that end, we have been seriously looking at houses. We started doing this when you told us you were going to put the house on the market at the end of February or the beginning of March. When we offered to be out May 1 to make it easier for you and Peter to show the house, you seemed confident the house would sell well before then and you would just give us 30 days notice.

That timeframe meant we had to start looking for houses for end of March/ beginning April.

We have found a house we really love that meets all of our requirements, and the landlord/owner seems very interested to have us as tenants.

At this time, we don't know what to tell him if he officially offers the house to us. We believe he would be looking for an answer on whether we will be taking the house by the weekend, so if we are not, he can continue searching for different tenants.

I know you wanted to meet sometime this week, but if you could give us an indication of your intentions before Friday, we would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks,
Kelly and Tim

friends, a house and a table

Busy weekend, with lots of friends and moving our life forward.

We looked at a BEAUTIFUL house on Friday. On the outside it is sort of average, but inside, it is so gorgeous and perfect. On the list we made of what we want in a house, it fits the description almost to a tee. Hardwood floors, two bedrooms, bright, good layout, good colors...and the kitchen. I can't stop thinking about that kitchen. Tons of counter space. Dozens of cabinets. All white cabinets and fixtures. All the appliances (dishwasher, w/d, disposal). And then there is the breakfast nook. Bright room, with two white built in hutches facing each other, with glass windows and more drawers and shelves.

The guy who was showing the house for his friend who owns it loves us. He told us flat out that he had interviewed other people who were ready to give him money on the spot and he knew they weren't right for the house. He said we are the couple they are looking for. The owner/landlord dropped off the application on Saturday, really liked us, liked Myra a lot, and was asking us if we wanted him to replace the brand new fridge with a bigger brand new fridge, if we wanted him to paint the basement, saying we could even take the cost of curtains off the price of the rent if we want to. Talking to Tim about trading computer help for work on the house, like painting, hanging pictures, whatever. Pretty much a done deal on their end. He is even willing to break up the cost of the deposit and the pet deposit over three months and said he doesn't need to get a last month's rent from us on top of first month's rent and the deposit, because he knows it is hard to come up with that much money in short order.

Now we are just waiting on official word from Hannah. We are both pretty sure she is still going to sell the house, because if we are hearing that the housing market is going to start slowing down, she is certainly hearing the same thing and I believe her mother will tell her to sell the house and be done with it.

Also, she is still planning to have a meeting with us, and if she wasn't going to sell the house and keep us to our lease, she wouldn't need to meet with us in person for that. I'm trying to not get attached to the house, because we just don't know what she will say. We will tell her we need an answer one way or another this week. So...fingers crossed on that score.

We FINALLY bought a table, it is a really nice farmhouse table with a hardwood top and white legs. Patrick and Sarah came over last night, for our first dinner guests who weren't stay over house guests. It was fun to cook for other people again. And it feels nice to eat at a table again, instead of eating on the couch.

Friend wise...I have met some good ones. I hung out with Ava on Saturday, and went to a vintage clothing store, a great tea/coffee place and a to die for rubber stamp store (which is unfortunately closing in May...but that means SALE!!). Today I hung out with Tawny and had a blast wondering around Hawthorne. I saw Britt yesterday for a hike with Myra, and I don't think we will see each other again really...it felt a little strained, and she is clearly not a dog person. She seemed kind of annoyed that Myra wanted to meet all the people and dogs we encountered on the trail. But that's fine with me, because the friends I do want to hang out with are cool and fun to be with.

So, busy weekend, but a really good one. It feels like we have found our sense of normalcy again. It's good.

smell this!

1. What is your absolute favorite food/beverage smell?
fresh bread

2. What food smells the best when cooking?
apple pie

3. What's your favorite flower/floral scent?
lavendar!

4. Just what is that perfume/cologne you're wearing?
What I usually wear is Breathe Comfort (vanilla mus) or Obsession Night

5. Describe how you love for your partner to smell....
freshly showered :)

6. What's your favorite carnival smell?
Fried dough!

7. Popcorn - good or bad smell for you?
Eh. It varies. Hate burnt popcorn, but sometimes not burnt popcorn smells really good

8. What smell is an absolute turn-off for you?
meat, beer

9. What's your favorite scented candle?
I'd go with vanilla

10. What is it about babies that smells sooo good?
Ah...they don't always. They often smell like vomit and poo, which is why I won't be having one. But when they do smell nice, it is that sort of baby powder essence that just smells...innocent.

landlord=major pain in the asss

To move or not move? To house hunt or not house hunt? These are the eternal questions. What you say? I thought you knew you were leaving, and have already started looking at new places to live. You are correct sir...but you have not accounted for our pain in the ass landlord.

So, we were supposed to meet with Hannah last night to discuss her selling the house and when we will be out. When is our last day, what date are we responsible for rent through, when can we expect our security deposit, will you give us 24 hours notice before you show the house.

We get an email late yesterday afternoon that she hasn't thought about any of this stuff at all and needs the weekend to decide what to do. She says now she is only THINKING of selling the house but not sure yet. GAAAAAAAAAAA. Now our time frame is even more in limbo than it was.

We wrote back to her, saying if she is going to sell the house, we want to be out March 15 or April 1, because it is going to be really inconvenient for all of us (especially us) to coordinate with them when they want to show the house and we want to minimize that. We said if she decides not to sell the house, we will honor the lease (which we were always going to do, until she said she was selling the house) and stay until the end of June.

But now, we're not meeting with her till next week sometime, and we still have no idea...should we look for houses for March or April? Should we not? We have found two really great houses, one of which we are seeing tonight, and I have no idea what to tell the owner. This is incredibly frustrating and unfair on her part. She's not the one whose life is on hold, she's not the one who doesn't know if she needs to be looking for a new place to live.

A cool harry potter dream

I have so many weird or violent dreams, that I really enjoy when I have cool ones. Last night, I dreamed about the last book in Harry Potter.

So, it has never been revealed why Dumbledore trusts Snape so much, but it has to be a pretty big reason. I've wondered if the reason was that Snape loved Lily, Harry's mom, and when Lily was killed, Snape knew he could never again work for He Who Must Not Be Named.

But in my dream, Snape was actually Lily's half-brother. Lily's dad had an affair with Snape's mom at some point. Snape didn't realize it till too late, but once Lily was dead, he realized he was Harry's uncle and only living relative. He told Dumbledore and they agreed to never tell anyone, because Voldemort would surely use that knowledge for his own purposes. Harry finds out, realizes that Snape really was on Dumbledore's side, and finally trusts him.

In my dream, this also helped explain why Harry's aunt Petunia was so disgusted by her sister. She had met Snape and liked him, but he never paid any attention to her, so of course this made her more jealous of Lily (in real life, I believe Petunia is a Squib and was horribly jealous that Lily got to go to Hogwarts).

so there you go. We'll have to wait till the final book comes out to see if I am psychic or really good at predicting how books end...or if I'm just loopy. :)

stupid tossing, turning no sleep night

Went home from work sick yesterday with a cold, not feeling awful, just feeling really run down and tired. Tried to take a nap when I got home but I have a stupid throat tickle that kept me up.

Went out and met Brit last night, and still felt ok, just tired. But when I went to bed for the night, could I sleep? Noooo. At first I was freezing, and couldn't sleep because I was so cold, even though I was under 4 blankets. Then Tim came to bed and brought in Myra, and I was much warmer and felt sleepier. And then my head woke up. I couldn't shut it off no matter what I did, and I wasn't even really thinking about stuff. I would get too hot, I didn't have enough leg room with Myra, just tossed and turned a lot.

And then the dreams started. In one, I watched an airplane crash to the ground in flames. In another, Bobby, Di's son (and first crush) was selling what appeared to be bath products but were really the ingredients for bombs. He found out that I knew and kidnapped me. I had called Lisa on my cell phone and told her how scared I was, and then left the phone open in my pocket, trying to tell her where we were from things I was saying to Bobby. I heard her say on the phone that she couldn't help me and I should call 911. But then Bobby discovered I had a cell phone on me and took it away.

I think I need mild sleeping pills on hand for when this happens. Grr.

be vewwy quiet, we're hunting wabbits

Or houses. Saw a number of places this weekend, finding a lot more we DON'T like than ones we do. I always forget this part of house hunting, going to see a lot of houses, seeing a lot you don't like to find the one you love. Today, we saw a condo and drove by a couple of houses. The houses were total white trash, the condo was in a great part of Lake Oswego, but it felt like our Atherton apartment, from when we first moved out here.

We drove by another condo we are supposed to look at Tuesday, but it was too much condo/apartment setting. We looked at a really cute house, in a great neighborhood. The yard isn't fenced, so we would need an invisible fence for Myra, and the kitchen is a bit small. We looked in all the windows, but we will need to walk around inside.

We found a perfect house on Saturday, brand new, no one has ever lived in it, new stainless steel appliances, close to work, beautiful house. But she wanted a lot more money up front than we can come up with on such short notice, and it didn't have a washer and dryer, which means we would have to buy one. It was also a huge house and even though we are planning to get new furniture, it would feel very empty, and probably a little too big for us.

Today was more frustrating, just because we saw mostly places we would never live. But we still have some time to find a great house.

new home searching

Hannah is putting the house on the market at the end of the month, and she believes the house will sell really quickly. We had asked her about leaving May 1 and she said she could give us 30 days notice but pretty much she's not expecting us to be here by then. So we suggested April 1, we haven't heard a definite answer from her yet, but I'm sure she will agree to it. It will be a lot easier to sell the house if they don't have to check with us every time they want to show the house.

I'm trying to stay excited about a new house and not feel overwhelmed about moving. We have to move so might as well focus on the positive...like we will have more room, we will have a house that is laid out better, we will have closets, we won't live next to Demon Spawn and the Child Molester. I am looking forward to all of those things.

And I am even looking forward to being more settled. Having room for more furniture. Having a table, a coffee table, an entertainment stand. More pictures. Maybe a squashy chair. A lot of our money in the coming months is going to go toward all of this stuff, but it will be so nice to have a house that really feels like a home, where we can have people over, where we have more options than sitting on the couch or sitting at the computer.

My horoscope

If you analyze your life, you will see that it has completely changed over the past twelve months, Kelly. You have matured as an individual and your actions have only been beneficial to yourself and those around you. Try to make changes as often as you can. You can't stop now! You need to feel that your life is evolving all the time. There is no time to rest!

I'd say that's pretty accurate! Work wise, life wise, confidence wise. And I definitely want my life to continue moving forward.

When will I have good body image?

So today I realized that I can't button any of my blouses. Or rather, I definitely couldn't button today's blouse, I had on a tank underneath and had to wear it open. My other blouses I can button but they are gappy.

This makes me sad. I was so little in Salem, and running all the time. My clothes looked good on me. Now I am running about half of what I used to, and it shows in my body. I'm not as lean, my clothes don't fit quite perfectly.

I realize I am harder on myself than anyone else. As tim points out, most girls would kill to be a size six, let alone wearing size fours. I wonder why I have such body image issues. Why do I look myself and see parts that are a little lumpy or not quite "perfect" instead of seeing a body that is healthy, that tim finds attractive, that can do things like run and hike and play with myra and do weights and feel good doing all these things. One of my biggest challenges is being happy with myself, being happy with where I am and being proud of what my body can do...not being sad when it doesn't meet my impossible standard of "perfect." Today proves that this is still something I have to work on and remember.

How well do you know me?

Where did we meet:
Toni: At a restaurant on Washington Street in Salem where I sat there wondering "What is so very wrong with this nice girl that she is dating Tim?" :p
Mikki: Fourth of July @ my old house
Tim: Hcpro

Take a stab at my middle name:
Um, Nelly?
Eek... um...something that begins with M??
Ann

Do I believe in God:
Either yes or you are agnostic. I don't recall ever hearing you say you didn't believe.
I dont' think so
Yes, me. But not in any omnipotent diety.

How long have you known me:
Um, I'll take a guess at 4 years.
Two and a half years
The whole time. About three years.

Do I smoke:
Certainly not!
Nope...
Crack, daily but not cigarettes.

What was your first impression of me upon meeting:
stated above :p
I thought you seemed really nice but you were very shy and it's hard to be shy in our crowd! LOL And, I thought you must be a bit weird to be dating Tim... ;-p
NIPS!!!! And the hair

Color of my eyes:
Goodness, I don't know. I'm guessing green to go with the red hair....
green?
Blue.

Do I have any siblings:
No
I don't believe so...
No

What's one of my favorite things to do:
Run or hike. Cook nummy vegetarian food.
go running, read, write, play with Myra puppy
Laugh. All the time.

Do you remember one of the first things I said to you:
Hi. :p
you didn't say much that first night! But I do remember you telling me that you were a Harry Potter fan! :-)
When is my ezine deadline again? ;-)

What's my favorite type of music:
I honestly don't know!
depends on what you're doing, I think - for running, definitely something hard
Chick music and cock rock. (leads to baby rocks and pebbles if you leave them alone in a room together)

What is the best feature about me:
You are very positive and almost child-like (like me!). You are the only person who understands my relationship with the Chocolate Moose. Well, maybe Mikki does too. :p
Physical or personality? physical, that wonderful pale skin you have, I'm so jealous!! Personality, you are very funny and kooky, and you are loyal.
The hair.

Am I shy or outgoing:
Shy around big groups of new people, but outgoing one on one and amongst friends.
I think you are a bit of both, depending on the circumstances
Mostly shy but occasionally both.

Am I a rebel! Or do I follow the rules:
You are a rebel, but you fool everyone into thinking you follow the rules...
Again, see above answer :-)
You rarely skip class, miss deadlines, or speed while driving but you frequently sing and dance in public.

What's your favorite memory of me:
when you emailed all of us to tell us you just spewed tic tac sediment all over your desk. I laughed A LOT. :p
Just hanging out, being silly! :)
The Kiss. And the First Night.

Any special talents:
The creation of that fabulous mexican pie thingy.
Amazing writer, very funny, good at advice :-)
>:) Several.

Would you consider me a friend:
Duh!
a very good friend
One of the best I've ever had.

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
Smelly! I use it all the time!!
Well, obviously Smelly Kelly :)
Woman! or Red.

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring?
Tim. He's a thing, right?
Hmm.. either running shoes, a journal, or Tim ;-)
A very long book.

if life was like hollywood...

Just watched The Sweetest Thing, I love that movie. It is such a good girl friend movie. Always cracks me up. It also makes me miss having girl friends to be silly with, but I think with Tawny and Ava, I can start to have that out here.

But what I want to know is...why don't groups of people burst into song around me? Is that too much to ask? I mean, I sing all the time, no one ever joins in, certainly not whole restaurants full! ;p

That movie also really makes me want to go to San Francisco. It is high on our small trip list. It just looks gorgeous, and with lots of cool places to explore. I'm thinking we will probably take a trip there maybe in a month or two.

I told Tim I will even have dinner with Mel while we are there, but I won't spend the whole weekend we are there with her. (Sorry Mik, I know she is one of your best friends).

Ok...gotta go pack to go fly back east and see my meeps :) Looking forward to this trip, I think it will be a really good weekend. Good mix of friends and family, not too many friend visits planned, so it won't be crazy like January Christmas.

bad dreams about tim lately

The other night I woke up feeling so sad, in my dream Tim had stopped loving me. This morning I woke up feeling awful. In my dream this morning, we had a fight right before I flew out to go back east and we didn't talk all weekend.

I told Tim, and he said you've mentioned this a couple times lately, it's becoming a theme. Even though things are so great with us, I wonder if I've been subconsciously afraid he is going to get bored of me. He said that I am his longest relationship at this point, so maybe I've just been afraid he would get bored, even though I know that's not true.

Whatever the cause, it makes me sad to have these dreams. :(