x'd, new friends, and visualizing a new job

Went to see X-Men Three today! What fun! Went with Tim, Patrick and Sarah, and it was much better than I thought. I had heard bad reviews and that it was only ok, but I definitely had fun, and it was much sadder in parts than I thought. It was great to see how excited Tim was to see Beast, and to see Beast fighting. Of course, it always makes me think what super powers I would want, and you know, I don't know! Other than flight of course...

Other than that, today was a good day, and it was a good weekend overall. I feel recharged. Less angry, drained, bitter, frustrated. I journaled a lot, wrote some of my story, cooked, watched movies, slept and played with the pup. It really helped me to feel like me again. After last week, I definitely did not feel like me.

I took Myra to a new dog park today with this girl Lisa from work, she seems really nice and I get along well with her. Her boyfriend Steve also seems like a nice guy and Tim likes him as well, so it would be nice if we have a new couple friend.

Then tonight, I wrote a letter to the Universe, detailing out what I want in a new job, boss, coworkers and work environment. I know that when I am specific about what I am looking for, it is much easier to find it and bring it into my life (like our house. We were pretty specific about what we wanted and we got pretty darn close). Tim had a great suggestion, to bring that list with me on any interviews I go on and read it before I begin the interview, and it will help influence the questions I ask and the things I look for. I feel better about that too.

elu and friends

I've been starting to work on my story more, and I really like how it is shaping up. Sometimes it feels like I am waiting for Elu to tell me what happens, but it is so cool to know it's a good story. I just love Elu.

I also wrote out some rough overviews of some of the other story ideas I have so I don't forget them. I know getting published is a lot of work, but I really believe that these are stories that kids would like to read. I am certainly going to keep working toward that goal. And I think it helps with the insanity of work, at least I have my own writing and my own ideas I can work on at my own pace, and not have them messed up to make work happy.

new bra'd

Tim has been hounding me for months now to buy new bras. I only had two, and they were both falling apart and uncomfortable.

So, I went to Vic's Secret, had a fitting, and then they put me in a dressing room with a drawer full of bras of their most popular styles, all in the same size. Meh, meh, ok, Wow, Wow! All of a sudden, I felt sexy and...what a concept...i had on a bra that was comfortable! Felt like it fit right, straps weren't falling down and uncomfortable.

I dropped over $100 on three new bras, but I think it was definitely worth it.

soo tired

of work drama, fighting, tension. Yesterday Danielle and Trish had a fight in our group meeting, and I felt like yelling at Danielle to shut up. The whole meeting was tense, and I felt like ass the rest of the day because of it.

Add to that I'm super busy today (well, today through next weekend). Patrick's last day is today, and in addition to being sad that he will not be there, it leaves me alone with Michele, who has pretty much been in a perpetual bad mood. Danielle is being snottier than ever. Sue is still not speaking to Michele much. Kathryn has been tense. It's no wonder I never want to go into work.

I'm stepping up the job search, because this environment and tension and drama is just draining me. I found a job that sounds almost exactly like my athena job, so I'm fairly confident I could get an interview with them. I'm not necessarily interested in working there, but I really need to get out.

Can you stupid people just grow up and act professional???? I feel like I work with a group of overtired five year olds who throw temper tantrums on a regular basis. Hate.

keep thinking about curiosity

Curiosity (www.curiositygroup.com) is the company I applied to for their senior writer position a week ago. I have been thinking a lot about this company and how much I would love to work for them.

Visualing myself going there for an interview, talking to them. Visualizing myself working there and writing for them. And lately I've found myself looking at ads and thinking, ok, if I was writing for this audience, for this product, what would I want to highlight? How would I reach the audience?

I don't know if it is being positive and optimistic or thinking too much about it, especially since it's only been a week and probably too soon for them to start calling people in for interviews.

I think in addition to OHSU being a draining place to work with all the drama and frustrations, I think I am feeling tapped creatively. I like healthcare, it interests me, but there are only so many things I can write about, only so many ways I can talk about heart attacks and colon cancer screenings. I feel like I can't tap into my real creativity, and it certainly isn't a creative work environment.

I don't want to think about Curiosity too much, because who knows if I will even hear from them. But I think this is a pretty good indication of what I am looking for, and I didn't even realize I was looking for direction there. I want to be more creative, I want to be able to play with my writing more, write for different audiences, different products and really have a chance to stretch my mind. And a more creative, fun work environment definitely seems to be something I want.

busy weekend!

After yesterday's busy day, today was another busy and fun day. Got up with the pup, took her to school and then went grocery shopping (Is trader joe's ever not busy?? I was there 12 mins after it opened and you would think they were giving away stuff for free).

Came home and went out with Ava to Sellwood. Once again, Tim and I managed to miss most of a cool neighborhood. We like Sellwood, think it is really cute, but we only saw about three blocks of it, missing most of it. Ava and I went to the huge antique malls, which were fun to wonder around. Found some drinking glasses that match our goblets, and got a cool idea for a writing project. I bought some old photos and I am going to write something about each of them. Can be as short as I want, but it will be a good creative exercise.

Man, Ava makes me so grateful for Tim and for our relationship. Ava is unhappy with Aaron, and she deserves so much better. She said a bunch of things that made me sad, including that Aaron finally got a job after a year of not working, so now she doesn't have to keep lying about it (they live in his mother's old house, and apparently if she knew Aaron wasn't working, she would have kicked them out). That, and the fact that she and Aaron don't even sleep in the same room, she says she is a light sleeper and he wakes her up when he comes to bed. But they just dont' have a good relationship. I hope she finds it in her to leave him and find someone better.

After all that, came home and took a two hour nap, phew, I was a busy girl!

aliens, fat dogs and Gilmore Girls

What a great, and full, Saturday.

Got up with Myra and took her to the school up the street to wear her out since we were going downtown to participate in the American Heart Association Heart Walk (OHSU was a sponsor and we were "encouraged" to come out and walk).

Michele and David came over so we could drive over in one car, and it was the first time I've ever seen Myra afraid of someone, she wouldn't go near David at all. Didn't know if it was because he was the tallest person she's met, or because he was wearing a hat and she doesn't see people with hats very frequently, but she would just hide behind Tim when David would try to pet her. Very cute actually, she's so brave lol

Did the heart walk, or rather heart stroll. Took us an hour to do 2.5 miles, when it shouldn't have taken anymore than 45 mins. But it was a nice day to walk along the river.

Michele was walking Kathleen's black lab Elvis, and I felt so bad for Elvis. He is very fat, very out of shape, he's only 5 and looks like he is about 12 or 13. Dogs should never get like that, he clearly has almost no daily exercise, it made me kind of sad.

Came home, had some cereal and headed down to the UFO festival in McMinnville (apparently McMinnville is the site of a famous UFO sighting). Festival seems a bit of a stretch. There was one small tent and then some discussions in the hotel next door. I had wanted to go to see the alien pet parade, but there weren't many animals dressed up, and the ones that were just had capes on. Cute but disappointing.

It was interesting, there were a lot of regular people, probably townspeople, just there for the food and wearing alien headbands. Then there were some alien nuts, and of course the religious nuts, wearing shirts like "Washed in the blood of Jesus Christ." The religious nuts would stand on one side of the street and yell at the alien folks on the other side of the street. I felt like telling the religious nuts that what they believe is just as much fiction and fantasy as some of the alien stuff. But I didn't feel like getting beat up lol

Tim had fun, and got to talk to people who are interested without being wingnuts about it. I wandered down to the bookstore for a bit, but I think Powells has now ruined me for lesser book stores, there was such a bad selection. But I got the Mermaid Chair, which I am very excited to read.

Came home after a long day, fed the puppy and watched an entire disk of Gilmore girls. That show is fun and really well written.

All in all, a very fun Saturday (even if we did eat like crap all day).

wobble wobble splat

Went ice skating last night at the Lloyd Center ice rink (right in the mall) with Celena. It was fun and certainly harder than I remember from the last time I did it, while I was living in France. At first, I felt like I could barely move and my legs were burning, but I loosened my skates a bit and that seemed to help.

But it was much more of ice wobbling than ice skating and I fell several times, to the amusement of the people watching, I'm sure. This woman who clearly knew how to skate well and said that my blades were too dull, which was part of why I was having so many problems.

Even though I left sore, it was still fun, and nice to do something different.

For our next athletic adventure, Celena and I are going to try indoor rock climbing. We've both always wanted to do it. No really, I'm serious. Yes, I know I have virtually no upper body strength. But I am certainly game for trying it!

off running :(

I've been having pain in my legs when I run. It seems I almost always have some kind of pain. Lately I've been trying to run through it, or walk for a bit and then run again. But today, my legs hurt so much I wasn't sure I could walk back to where I parked the car.

I am going to make an appointment with a sports orthopaedic doc at OHSU because this is clearly not going away on its own. I am a little concerned it might be compartment syndrome, I read about it on Runner's World, and it fits perfectly, and can be harder to treat than shin splints. I'll have to see what the sports docs say, but I definitely can't run like this.

Sigh. I really wanted to train for the Big Sur Half Marathon. I was really excited about it. I wouldn't even be so sad if I was just doing running to lose weight, but I really love it. I'm hoping the doctor I go to can find a way to help me run without pain cause today really sucked.

:(

Holy long (and mostly fun) day, batman!

Got up at 6 with the love of my life (really, I do love her...but do I have to start loving her soo early?? lol). After I let her out and gave her breakfast, I expected she would come back to bed like she normally does. Nope. Had lots of puppy chewing to do, and then when she was done with that, puppy squeaking.

So I get up with her officially around 7:30 and take her to the big school up the street, where there is a huge field for her to chase her frisbee (and me :) Wear her out, so she'll be good for the day. Come home, and then grocery shopping (three stops, including trader joes and an awesome fruit stand...hooray healthy food!)

Then off to get my hair cut, really cute although I looked like a schmoofy poodle at first, once I wet it down again it was much better.

Then Tim and I head down to the outlets to go shopping. On the way, we pass a bus fire, with the northbound traffic completely dead stopped for miles, but thinking it will clear up in a few hours when we are ready to come home (remember this). Had a blast shopping, and finally found some jeans that look good on me! No small task, that.

Start heading home around 5:15 and then run smack into totally stopped traffic. Get out of the car and talk to neighbors stopped. Took over an hour to go about two miles. Our gas gauge is now under 1/4. Finally get off at an exit, go one way, ends up being a very long dead end (but pretty and holymoly mansions and farms, so pretty at least). Go back the other way, and two so not helpful guys said your best bet is to get back on the highway.

Since we didn't have much gas, we went back south instead. Stopped and got gas (gas station had probably never been that busy) and then took the really long way home, but at least we could go normal speed. Finally get home at 8, three hours past poor puppy's dinner, an hour past her bedtime. But since we bought her new toys and took her out to play, she managed to forgive us.

Phew!!

omgomgomgomg

I just wrote a cover letter. For a company that speaks to me in so many ways. They are all about curiosity, creativity and passion. They are a marketing company, who mainly works helping kids, teens and adults develop their creativity, learning and playing. It is a perfect fit for my writing, and for my kid-like passion and creativity. Their Web site has an elephant on their home page, and I put in my cover letter how I am writing a children's book called the Invisible Elephant and how I cheered when I saw their home page. I had more fun writing that cover letter than most stuff I've worked on for a long time.

I'm going to send it in tomorrow. My hope is that they will at least be intrigued by me, be interested in my cover letter and what I can offer. And if they are not, I had so much fun writing that letter for them that it almost wouldn't matter. I don't want to jinx it or think too much about it, but I definitely haven't had this level of enthusiasm for a job posting in a long time. Asking for a little luck from the universe....

feeling better

After a good cry this morning with Tim, feeling bad about my friend patterns, I am feeling a little better now. Tim actually said something that really resonated with me. That maybe I am still drawn to people with low self esteem. That was certainly true with Mark, it's true with Ava (she wouldn't be with Aaron if she had more self esteem, it seems to be true with Tawny, it was true with Lisa). That maybe there is a part of me that likes being the helper and the fixer.

Only problem is...why should I waste energy trying to fix people, especially when it isn't reciprocated? And I shouldn't put so much energy into friendships with people who pull the disappearing act.

I'm going to focus more on my friendships that are building with Amy and Celena. They both seem more together, not needy, not needing/wanting to be fixed or use me as their dumping ground.

I feel like Kellyfixit

Le sigh. I'm tired of friends who only want me around to fix their problems. They show up when they are sad, feeling bad, having problems, whatever, and they come to me...to make them feel better, to cheer them up, to give them suggestions for what to do, to help them. And then they disappear again. Like Tawny. Like Lisa. Like Lauren. Like Jaime.

I don't know why I am in this friend pattern. Do I make myself too available? Do I try to help people too much so that becomes all they see me for? Maybe that's it. I never really thought that was a bad thing, I thought I was trying to be there for people who needed it. But somehow, that has become my typical friend pattern. People don't stick around for the hey, do you want to get together tonight? Hey, I was thinking of you, how are YOU doing? Once they are feeling better or have some ideas of how to make things better, they leave and I'm left feeling sad and used.

Is it unreasonable to expect/wish/hope that the effort I put into friendship would be returned? That people would write to me just to say hi, like I do for them? Mikki and Toni are definitely the exceptions here, they are both actual real friends to me.

But how do I fix it? I don't want friendship if it means not being me. But I feel like I at least have to be less of me, and instead of offering advice, or listening to people whenever they feel bad...just be like, i'm sorry, that sucks. Now about this other thing...

I don't know. I'm probably not making much sense. It just really makes me feel bad.

reasons why we need to buy a house

Dick next door padlocking the chain fence to our shared driveway, so we can't take out our trash this morning

Will, our landlord, not telling us what we owe for the electric bill so we will probably have to pay double (because he's probably got another bill by now).

Carla, the girl who lives below us, always hacking and making weird chest noises when she is home.

We love this house, but...we need something that's ours. With no upstairs/downstairs neighbors. Our own yard so we can have Myra play and not get looks from the neighbor we share the yard with.

Sigh. It's not bad, but it makes us dream more about when we can buy our house.

making progress in other ways as well

Last night, we went to Guitar Center and the mall, wandered down to the Gap so the boy could look for some shirts. Since we were there, I decided to try on some jeans, since I only have one pair and they make me look really short and stubby.

I knew I wouldn't fit into their size four jeans, so I tried sixes and then an eight. Neither size fit. This is where I've made progress. Previously, I would have freaked out and been like, I need to eat less, cut out more sugar, exercise more. I might be a 4/6 now, but there is no way I'm a size 10, not when my pants are starting to fit like they used to again. I knew it was just that I never have luck with Gap jeans, and their sizes run small on me. Wasn't even bothered at all. Big progress there.

Progress in other area, this time with friends. Now, I have a history of friends disappearing, like Lisa, Lauren, Jaime, etc. I write, put in effort into the friendship, and they just disappear. It used to make me think I was doing something wrong, or I have unrealistic expectations. Now, the progress. My friend Tawny had a second round job interview this week. I e-mailed her before her interview to wish her luck and called her after to see how it went, and I haven't heard from her. But I am learning that she takes a few days to reply, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't like me or whatever. I'm learning to not take it personally.

moving life forward

The best cure for frustration and unhappiness? Progress. Moving life forward. That is exactly what I have been doing, especially with work.

Sue has been on vacation this week, and she asked me to be point person for her while she was gone. I know this has been part of a test from her, to see if I can handle more responsibility, to see if I would be able to handle the job she is creating-- a job I told I am very interested in.

She was very happy with my work, and realizes she can count on me to fill in for her, that I know how to get things approved and just generally do good work. She left me a message at one point, thanking me for all my hard work, and that she knows what to expect now. It was something to the effect of she has her answer now. And today, I was updating her on the status of some projects, and she said, she has no worries about any of the projects I am working on.

So, I know now that if her position is approved, the job is mine.

And today...I heard back from Legacy. They want me to come in for an interview. I am definitely interested. I don't necessarily want to job hop, but even if I got the Sue job, OHSU is still a tough place to work at, with lots of drama and politics and such. But I put $60K as my current salary on my Legacy application, and they are interested in talking to me.

Either way, there is a pay raise in my future. Since everyone wants to steal the OHSU employees, I know I am desirable, plus I know I am qualified. I could get them to pretty much max out the offer, or if Sue's position is approved, that would probably be a $5K pay raise, because it would be a step up.

I feel like I am moving things forward again, and not staying stuck in a bad place of complaining about my work but not doing anything to make it better. So I feel like I am in a much better place about things.