When having a vivid imagination is not a good thing

I have a really vivid imagination. Sometimes, this is a fun, cool thing. I get lovely pictures in my head from hearing different songs. I get great ideas for stories. I can spread my arms on a windy day and really be flying.

Other times, particularly when I dream, it's not always a good thing. Because I don't just have vivid, fun, or silly-weird dreams. I often have violent, intense dreams. And they are crystal clear, and loud, and very, very real. It is as though I am in that world. Sometimes, I am the victim of the violence, often I am just watching.

Last night I had one of the more violent dreams in recent memory. I don't quite remember all the details, but I know there was a man and woman in a house. The woman was afraid of upsetting the man, but she was also afraid of a break-in because they didn't live in a safe area. She called 911 one time, and the man promptly called them back, saying it was a mis-dial, that their phone was broken or something like that.

Something happened, and the woman realized the man had snapped. He intended to kill her. And she realized that she couldn't call 911, because he had already told the police their phone was broken and dialed the wrong number. I could see and feel her terror as he came closer and she couldn't run anywhere. And he didn't just kill her, he attacked her with a knife. I watched him cut her up. There was nothing I could do. And I knew I was dreaming, and I couldn't pull myself out of that world.

This is when I wish I could just shut my imagination off. Sometimes, I think it would be worth giving up the good parts so I wouldn't have the really bad parts. But I think I would be lost without the fun movies and characters and pictures and images that live in my head.

I hold my dreams lightly

This was something I said in a dream, and I said it trying to describe how my dreams are always so close to the surface, and very real. Have you ever Charles De Lint? In his books, his characters can go into this dream world that is every much as real as theirs. They have full lives there, dreaming is just the way that some of them get in.

I feel this way about my dreams. Sometimes I feel as though I am watching a movie (these tend to be my really violent dreams), other times, I am living and breathing in this dream world, and it feels just as real as the waking one. I will wake up and want to hold on to dreams that captivated me only to find them slipping away when I return to full consciousness.

But this phrase stuck with me, and I really like it. Do you hold your dreams, whether your dreams when you are sleeping, or your dreams of what you want your life to be and where you want to go, lightly? Are they readily accessible? Are they intangible, or do they feel real to you? Are you separate from your dreams? Have you ever thought that the dream world really is real, and that you are the director? Do you ever think that if you learn how to control the illusions in the dream world, that you will better be able to control the illusions in the waking world? If you haven't ever read Illusions by Richard Bach, it gives you a lot to think about along these lines. It is one of my favorite books.

"If you persist in your efforts, you will achieve dream control" -- Queensryche, Silent Lucidity, one of the songs that I will stop everything and just listen whenever it comes on.

Some morning ramblings for you to ponder on.

the house we want

We are going to look at the house and the neighborhood today, but from the listing, we absolutely love it.

If things go well, this could very well end up being the house we try to buy.

The house we love

a kinda cool dream...

until the end, when it got downright freaky.

I was speaking in a church, talking about this church in Africa I had visited, and talking about Mary Magdalene (I've been reading a lot about her lately). My parents were there, and my mom kept interrupting and talking over me and not paying attention. (That part is also to be expected, she won't listen to anything that challenges her faith).

The talk was going well for a while, and then I saw a couch/chair moving. I thought someone was pushing it, so I went over to ask them to stop, and no one was there, but there was this wall of energy that pushed me back.

Then I saw this man, all in black, with a black hat, but I soon realized he wasn't real, he was a ghost or a shadow. I got this really negative energy from him, frankly he terrified me.

Then he went out the door, I ran up to it, and it was locked, even though there weren't any locks on the door. I was frantically trying to open it, and I saw him through the door where I was trapped, he was at the top of the stairs at another door, and then he looked back at the door down below where I was, I felt it open or unlock, and then he disappeared. The lights in the church went out and I started screaming to everyone in the church that they had to get out right away, and they had to keep the door open for the person behind them so they wouldn't get trapped.

I woke up feeling scared and unsettled.

Yay.

weird dream (surprise surprise)

I dreamt I was marrying this guy that I didn't even really know, and didn't want to marry. My wedding dress was really tacky (short skirt that was white, leather-like). I remember saying at one point in the dream, I don't even remember what this guy looks like.

I don't know why I had to marry him, but I know I was planning on annulling the marriage the next day. We got to the alter, and it was this guy from college I hooked up with briefly. Then I found out that not only had he abused me, but we had a kid together years ago, and he had told me the girl had died, but she had really been adopted. So I start freaking out in the church, telling everyone what he did and that I'm not marrying him, and that I really wanted to marry Tim.

At least it wasn't violent.

considering my previous post

My dream last night should come as no surprise.

I was at some sort of party or event, and my mother was there. She was criticizing things I was doing, things I liked, until I finally snapped and yelled at her that I didn't even want her at that event, but I only let her come because she wouldn't shut up. And I said all she does is criticize my decisions, and that's why I didn't want her to come.

In reality, I know that she's a fearful person. She's afraid of a lot of things, and since their financial situation is so bad, she is going to worry about me and my financial situation, because if I "mess it up" or do something stupid (like leaving a very bad for me job without something lined up), she can't help me. And she would never consider doing some of the things I've done in my life. So she can't understand it. But even knowing that, it doesn't make it easier to deal with her.

Bah.

dreams

I keep dreaming about my parents, specifically about their health and their finances, the two things I worry about the most for them. While I always sort of worry about their finances, these dreams probably started up again when my mom asked me for our christmas lists. I just hate that no matter what I say or do, she's going to spend more than she should on us, because she somehow thinks it is important. She really doesn't understand that I would be fine with a couple books and dvds. But even though their money situation is not good and they don't really have extra money anymore, they still keep spending money and putting things on credit cards.

I just wish they would pull their heads out of the sand and start making financial decisions for the future. But I can't control it, so I just worry about it. And dream about them spending foolishly and yell at them in my dreams, which is the only place it seems I can yell at them because they don't hear me in real life.

And my mom's health. She's doing mostly ok, but her memory isn't great and I know it upsets her, and it is still hard for her to do things physically. So I dream about her telling me she's worried about her health, or dream that she has more problems.

I hate worrying about things I can't control, but I don't know how to just let it go. Sigh

keep dreaming

about Brian, my college boyfriend. Dreams where I am looking for him, dreams where I run into him and we start talking and still feel drawn to each other.

It happens fairly regularly. It's odd, because I don't want to be back with him.

Hrmm.