When personal monsters lose their power

My Ex was a personal monster of mine. I spent the last few years of the relationship very afraid of his anger, his temper. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting him to show up at my work, angry or accusing me of cheating on him.

When I broke up with him, I was afraid of what he might do. He harassed me, called me at work all the time, crying or angry. I didn't want him to know where I was living, because I was afraid he would show up there.

The last time I saw him in person was more than two years ago, when I decided in one of the hardest decisions of my life, to return my beloved Loveday cat to him. T and I were going to be moving across country, and Loveday was absolutely terrified of travel, to the point of making herself hyperventilate. I thought it would be better and safer for her to go and live with him again, since I know he loved her and would give her a good life. But when I saw him, to drop Loveday off, I felt sick to my stomach from being scared of seeing him. T was in the car, and he and I had worked out a signal in case my ex did anything that made me uncomfortable.

But time passes, and I have healed and grown stronger. I'm happy and whole now.

I saw his picture yesterday, on the staff page of the newspaper I used to work for, where I met him. And it didn't affect me. A few years ago, just seeing his face would have made me feel uncomfortable. But I was fine, he was just a person, no longer a personal monster. He had no hold over me anymore. I even wrote to him, because I saw that he been named chief photographer for the paper, something he had wanted for a long time. So I wrote to him, to say congratulations, and we chatted back and forth a few times. I had thought about trying to email him a few times before, because I wanted to know how my Loveday was, but I didn't want him to have my contact information.

But now, with time and healing and a loving, wonderful relationship with T, I see that he is not a monster. He is a person who has a lot of issues and a lot of problems, but they don't affect me, and he can't hurt me anymore.

It felt good to release him and know that he no longer has any power over me. I don't have to worry anymore.

When having a vivid imagination is not a good thing

I have a really vivid imagination. Sometimes, this is a fun, cool thing. I get lovely pictures in my head from hearing different songs. I get great ideas for stories. I can spread my arms on a windy day and really be flying.

Other times, particularly when I dream, it's not always a good thing. Because I don't just have vivid, fun, or silly-weird dreams. I often have violent, intense dreams. And they are crystal clear, and loud, and very, very real. It is as though I am in that world. Sometimes, I am the victim of the violence, often I am just watching.

Last night I had one of the more violent dreams in recent memory. I don't quite remember all the details, but I know there was a man and woman in a house. The woman was afraid of upsetting the man, but she was also afraid of a break-in because they didn't live in a safe area. She called 911 one time, and the man promptly called them back, saying it was a mis-dial, that their phone was broken or something like that.

Something happened, and the woman realized the man had snapped. He intended to kill her. And she realized that she couldn't call 911, because he had already told the police their phone was broken and dialed the wrong number. I could see and feel her terror as he came closer and she couldn't run anywhere. And he didn't just kill her, he attacked her with a knife. I watched him cut her up. There was nothing I could do. And I knew I was dreaming, and I couldn't pull myself out of that world.

This is when I wish I could just shut my imagination off. Sometimes, I think it would be worth giving up the good parts so I wouldn't have the really bad parts. But I think I would be lost without the fun movies and characters and pictures and images that live in my head.

small, happy moments

• Running in the woods on a quiet, Sunday morning, coming face to face with a young male deer. The only sounds: birds in the trees, my feet on the dirt, nature
  

• Opening up a container of grapes to see them red/purple, fat and glistening. Perfect grapes.
  

• Myra making her wookie sounds as she rolls around on her back getting a belly rub
  

• Sammy licking my hand when I rub his belly
  

• Gluten-free brownies that are so good, you wouldn't know they are gluten-free
  

• Walking by someone's computer and seeing them reading an article I wrote. It's a powerful feeling to know people are reading your words.
  

• Knowing most of our bills are already paid for the month
  

• Putting letters or cards in the mailbox, knowing the people you are sending them to will like and appreciate them
  

• Chai green tea with vanilla soymilk and a blueberry gluten-free waffle for breakfast
  

What do I have to do

to look in the mirror and not see a fat girl looking back?

What do I have to do to like how I look in clothes?

What do I have to do to like what I see in the mirror, and not see flaws and bumps and bulges and mom arms and a thick middle, no matter how much Tim says I have nice arms or I look great.

What do I have to do to not feel frumpy and fat in work clothes? I feel like no matter what I try for clothes, I never find tops that fit me well. Blouses always gap, but if I go big enough that they don't gap, they look ridiculous on me. If they are short, they make my short torso even shorter, enhancing my short, frumpy mom look.

I tried on outfits for tomorrow and hated how I looked in everything.

So, what do I have to do to like the girl I see in the mirror?

Sometimes...

My horoscope just really nails it, and rings completely true for me:

If you have already felt the desire to do something as a writer, Kelly, now is the time to do so. You certainly don't lack the imagination! The problem you have may be that you have more difficulties taking your prose seriously. Don't think so seriously about being a "writer". Just write! And above all, don't hesitate to let people read what you write. A writer's group would be a great way for you to come out of hiding...

Going down a new path...

The gate is open, inviting me down a new path. New job, new decade, new city. I don't know where the path leads, but I'm curious to see what surprises I will find.

I'm excited about turning 30, it seems so big. And I feel like I am more comfortable with who I am and what is important to me now than I was at 20 or 25.

Signs, everywhere

"Compliments accepted"















"Insight, freedom, wisdom, compassion, attitudinal healing"















"Gates lead anywhere"

Great to read, think about, strive for

Words of wisdom from the Dalai lama