small, happy moments

• Running in the woods on a quiet, Sunday morning, coming face to face with a young male deer. The only sounds: birds in the trees, my feet on the dirt, nature
  

• Opening up a container of grapes to see them red/purple, fat and glistening. Perfect grapes.
  

• Myra making her wookie sounds as she rolls around on her back getting a belly rub
  

• Sammy licking my hand when I rub his belly
  

• Gluten-free brownies that are so good, you wouldn't know they are gluten-free
  

• Walking by someone's computer and seeing them reading an article I wrote. It's a powerful feeling to know people are reading your words.
  

• Knowing most of our bills are already paid for the month
  

• Putting letters or cards in the mailbox, knowing the people you are sending them to will like and appreciate them
  

• Chai green tea with vanilla soymilk and a blueberry gluten-free waffle for breakfast
  

one week till...

I'm employed again.

I've been freelancing since November. I haven't had any work at all since April, and that was only six hours for the month. I haven't had to get up or be on a schedule for months and months.

And you know what? I am so ready to not be on vacation mode anymore, ready to actually get up every morning and go to work. I've been really, really bored. And now I know exactly how little you can do, and I'm ready for a change. And it will be really, really fantastic to have money return to normal and actually start building our savings again.

Plus, as much as I've loved being home with the boy and Myrawonderpup, I think it will be really good for me and Tim to not be together literally 24/7. I will really miss having the pup with me all day though.

On to new adventures!

running four miles fast and a lot of push ups...

can cure almost anything.

I've always been one to turn to exercise when I'm angry, upset, whatever. A hard workout, loud music and a lot of sweat have a way of getting rid a lot of emotions or at least helping you work through them. Running for me helps me keep my head on straight.

Yesterday was one of those days when I needed to run to clear my head and get me back on an even keel.

We switched our car insurance yesterday to a NC policy, and our bill dropped by about $60, which is cool because we've been paying WAY more for insurance than we should have been. But we had to pay them yesterday for the new policy, even though they just took out a payment last week for our old policy. And even though they are going to put most of the other payment back in our account, it just set me off.

This move has been so much more expensive than we ever thought. It has taken virtually all of our savings, even though we had planned initially that we would have enough money in checking to cover just about everything and not touch what was left in savings. The universe had other plans apparently. Combine that with the fact that I haven't brought in a substantial paycheck, and won't bring in a substantial paycheck until the end of next month, and we've been doing the fast money juggle and shuffle. We have a very small buffer for an emergency, but after being so good about saving for so long, it's hard to just keep see money flying out the door and seeing our available money until Tim gets his next paycheck get smaller and smaller. For a while, it was even looking like we wouldn't have any money to do anything for my birthday.

So paying an extra car insurance payment just really put me in a bad mood. I KNOW our money is going to be stabilizing soon. I know that once July starts and once I start at Duke, we'll be pretty much to where we were when I was working at OHSU. But in the moment, it was hard to see that. So I got on the treadmill, cranked up my shuffle and just ran. Set the treadmill on a fast setting and just sweated it all out. And then I did about 50 pushups.

Needless to say, the anger burned off, I was able to think clearly again and get my head on straight. And know that things really will be ok.

so....I might be going back to my old job...

I filled in for the director of communications last week while she was out of town. The week went really well, no emergencies (fortunately) and just had a chance to work on some projects.

It felt really different from the last time I was there as an employee. It even felt different from one of the last times I went up as a freelancer for meetings. Most of the negative people are gone, in fact only one negative person is left up there. There is a new team up there, and they seem like they work well together.

Now, I know what you are thinking....I left because how bad things were, how it was affecting me, my health, blah blah. Well, yes, that is all true. But there's also the hard-to-find-a-job factor. (But I promise I wouldn't even consider it if it felt the same up there).

So, I just happened to mention it to one of the marketing folks, and she jumped all over it. To the point where she actually called HR and found out they can essentially re-offer me the job, without me needing to apply or anything, I would need to go through required training again.

I called the director of communications to explain what happened, and she said she wanted to talk to me about some new opportunities anyway.

So, we'll see what happens, but it looks like I might be back there soon, which would be good for several reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that EVERY SINGLE MONTH I have to fight to get paid. My invoices won't get processed, or they don't go through, or some nonsense. Case in point, I submitted my january invoice on Feb. 2. I got my check today -- because they forgot to process it, and I had to call, and have the admin call and track it down. Then there's the fact that my freelancing work hasn't been steady, in fact February, I had hardly any billable hours. Not easy to pay bills on that. I would really like having a steady paycheck.

Change your focus....and poof! Things aren't so hard

Once again, as soon as we decided to confront a problem that has been lingering over our heads, it instantly isn't a problem anymore.

Let me explain.

For years now, the State of Maine has insisted that Tim owed them taxes for the year 2000, even though he lived in Massachusetts for all of that year. He had previously submitted all kinds of paperwork to them, his Mass tax return and federal tax return for that year, his lease in Massachusetts, etc.

But Maine kept insisting he owed them money.

We've ignored it for a long time. At one point, Tim called someone he knew in Maine who was an accountant, but we never did anything further.

But one by one, we've been knocking off outstanding stuff that has just been hanging over our heads, and each time, it's not as bad as we feared, and in most cases, it instantly got better. In some cases, the answer appeared as soon as we decided to address the problem.

So Tim decided it was time to deal with Maine. He was going to call the accountant he knows in Maine, find out how to get a lawyer in Maine and pay the lawyer to contact the State Department. He was preparing to go find all that paperwork again.

And so he went to look at one of the letters that Maine sent him (assuming it was just one of the bills they keep sending). The letter said that the State department had reviewed the paperwork Tim had submitted and accepted them. There is a $0 balance and Tim doesn't owe them any money.

That's it. Poof. Problem gone. We've had this letter for months, but never looked at it (part of us ignoring stuff), just assuming it was one of the bills.

Once you face the problems and challenges in your life, I think they have a lot less hold over you, and you can get through them...sometimes easier than others, but they really won't go away until you confront them.

Life without credit

Both T and I have made bad financial decisions in the past, but we've done a lot to change and improve that. One thing we have made a conscious decision to do is not have credit anymore.

Sometimes, this is challenging. There have been times when we needed/wanted to book flights, and could only do so when we had enough money in the bank. When we travel and rent a car, we can only use places that allow you to use debit cards, and they often place a hold on your account, so again, we have to make sure we have the money set aside for that.

But there are plus sides as well. If we really want something, we save up for it, and then we own it free and clear. And having to save up for it means we enjoy it more when we get it. It's changed how we look at shopping and buying things, because if we have to use our debit card, we pay for it immediately. I still think that with credit cards, it feels like you didn't really have to pay for it, because you don't see an immediately lower bank balance (or in our case, a smaller amount of weekly cash).

I see all the credit card commercials on tv, and they are so manipulative. Use your credit card for everything. Earn points for flights. Get cash back! Credit cards are easier than cash. And unfortunately, so many people buy into that. Oh, I'll be earning flights or money back if I use my credit card. Well, you could keep more of your money in the first place if you weren't spending so much to credit card companies.

And credit cards really target people who have no business having credit cards (college students, people who declared bankruptcy). They make it seem so easy, and they will keep increasing your limit, until one day, you look at what you owe, you look at your credit card balances, and don't even remember that dinner out you had last month but are paying interest on.

I just think that credit cards foster an unhealthy relationship with money, and it is easy to get screwed by them. Living without credit has its challenges certainly, but I think I prefer it this way.

i hate waiting....

but the end is FINALLY in sight.

So, my checks didn't come today, and I immediately called Accounts Payable to see WTF???

The checks went in the mail this morning. So that means I will have my checks no later than Monday. At least I know now for certain that the money will be here soon. But motherofdog, it's been frustrating as all get out.

the good with the bad

The bad -- Collection agency called today, to collect on the money we owe the first (nasty) apartment we had out here. We broke our lease, and it was worth knowing we might owe money, just to get out of there. And we don't owe them all that much really, I just hadn't paid it, thinking it would go away (foolish I know, it never goes away). I was planning on paying it off in the new year anyway, because I want all the niggling litle debts gone when we go to apply for a mortgage.

The good -- It actually hasn't been reported on my credit report yet. By paying at the end of the month, it stays off my credit report, and the debt is gone, I don't have to think about it.

I actually feel better knowing it is paid, and knowing I won't have to get it removed from my credit report. Now all I have left are some fairly small outstanding medical bills (thank you, former employer, my insurance was awful, even though I worked for a hospital). And then my credit will actually be in pretty good shape (virtually no debt, nothing currently in the negative check mark column).

So, I am looking at this as a healthy way to start the new year.

the waiiii-ting is the hardest part

One more week, and I will get paid, and it will have been seven weeks since the last time I got paid. That is a VERY Long time.

That's been the hardest part about freelancing, the delay in getting paid. My old company, the one I'm freelancing for, is on a 30-day pay cycle. So I submitted my Nov. invoices on Dec. 2, which means they don't have to pay me until Jan. 2, which means I won't have money till probably Wednesday of next week.

Once I get paid, I can pay all of our monthly bills, put a lot of money back into savings, and keep some around as extra in our account to tide us over until my next check. It's just hard right now.

I'm trying to resist the urge to take money out of long-term savings (which we already had to do for T and I to buy presents for each other, and we have already budgeted to replace that money). But that money is for our house. And really, it's only another few days. It's just hard, because now we really can't do anthing until then.

Patience. Patience is a virtue.

sad, sad little bank balance

Thank dog T is getting paid tomorrow. We haven't had our bank account this low since I was flying back east every other week for work, or since Salem before I got obsessive about budgeting. A large part is due to our recent trip, eating out while there, presents, etc. But also, I haven't received my first freelancing check yet. From here on out, it should be easier, because I'll have enough to last until I get my next check, but for the first check...our money got strrrrretched.

My last paycheck was Nov. 17, and my vacation pay was only through Dec. 1, so we had most of December on one check and a trip back east. A rather impressive feat, and not one I'd like to repeat too often.

"we are not in a money freefall"

So says Tim after reading my blog, pointing out that while we have eaten out a little bit more, we only missed one regular grocery shopping and have not been that off track budget-wise. And also, we specifically planned to not save and have extra money on hand for exactly this purpose. And we still have plenty of money to finish up the shopping we need to do for early christmas, and have money for back east and blah blah blah. Ok, maybe I was being a tad silly. I'm still in a weird alternating money perspective. I know our money situation is good, so I want to spend some money, but then I freak about spending money. Eye roll at myself.

"I hope you blog about me scolding you for what you blogged about."

And so I did.

freefall

Before I left my job, I was fanatical about saving money and about staying on budget. I had sort of a game with myself to see how much "extra" I could have at the end of a week, before the next time one of us got paid (and this is extra after bills, after putting money aside in savings, after play money, everything). Whatever was extra went into the extra account (which very nicely funded our christmas, minus plane tix).

When I left my job, I cancelled our automatic savings plans (one for ING and one for our savings account), because I knew it would be at least a month, maybe longer before I got my next paycheck, and I figured it made sense to have the extra money available in checking for bills, for our trip, whatever.

I'm still trying to hold on to the "extra money," but lately I feel like I've been in a money freefall -- haven't been going grocery shopping on time, so we've been eating out more, some unexpected stuff came up that I hadn't budgeted for, we needed new clothes, etc. I just wanted more extra until either I got my check or to last until tim's next paycheck (in case mine comes late). I just like knowing that until my check comes, we would have money hanging around if we needed it. And of course, Tim keeps reminding we don't need all that extra, because I've so carefully budgeted for bills, groceries, all of that.

I know it's not bad, and I know I will get back on track when I get my check and can throw a lot into savings. I just feel like I need to get back on track with budgeting, with saving, with eating right (I've been eating fine, I just don't like eating out as much as we have done lately), with cooking and grocery shopping (meal planning for the week, so we aren't going over budget on groceries by shopping for last minute stuff). Apparently, I'm anal-retentive about money. lol.

Hard to ask for what I'm worth

I just filled out my first freelance invoices, where I had to bill OHSU for the hours I worked on different projects. I have to break out the invoices into marketing and communications, and then by specific project.

I kept track of my hours I worked, but even when I was keeping track of my hours, my natural instinct was to say it took me less time than it did, I think because I thought...they won't think it really took me x hours, even though they weren't expecting me to do everything in an hour. It took me a while when I worked there, so why would they expect that to change?

And then when I had to through for the invoice, and assign hours and dollars for projects, it was hard, I again wanted to sell myself short. "What if they get mad about me charging so much? What if they question it?"

Now, logically I know (and Tim has been reminding me), that I didn't make up my hourly rate on a whim. I was initially going to charge less than what Kathryn's bad freelancer charged (who essentially submitted my notes as her work-- not a finished product). And I got a range from Sue's other freelancer, and I immediately put myself in the very low end of that range.

I don't know why I am uncomfortable to ask for what I am worth, or to charge for the hours I actually worked.

As Tim reminds me, they could possibly get someone a little cheaper, but they wouldn't know the material as well or possibly be as reliable. They also know generally what I'm charging, and Sue especially was surprised I finished one of the projects so quickly, so she certainly wasn't worried about the hours (and she just gave me a ton of new projects, which will require a lot of hours). But it was very weird to bill for my services.

That will have to be something I work on, getting more comfortable charging the hours I work, and getting more comfortable charging what I know is a fair and market rate.

WhOOOO!! One down, one to go

I just scheduled The.Last.Payment on my smallest school loan. It feels so good to know it is paid off entirely. And now my other school loan will start going down much faster.

Sweeeet.

Final countdown

10 more days of Michele, and her rude, pretentious, condescending attitude, constant complaining, and really bad music.

10 more days of Danielle, acting like it is beneath her to do the secretarial part of her job, acting like everything is all about her, acting like she runs the entire department

10 more days of hearing all the time how things aren't working, hearing about the fighting

10 more days. And I couldn't be happier.

And then after that....I can work from home, and my money situation will improve, and my work stress will pretty much disappear.

dreams

I keep dreaming about my parents, specifically about their health and their finances, the two things I worry about the most for them. While I always sort of worry about their finances, these dreams probably started up again when my mom asked me for our christmas lists. I just hate that no matter what I say or do, she's going to spend more than she should on us, because she somehow thinks it is important. She really doesn't understand that I would be fine with a couple books and dvds. But even though their money situation is not good and they don't really have extra money anymore, they still keep spending money and putting things on credit cards.

I just wish they would pull their heads out of the sand and start making financial decisions for the future. But I can't control it, so I just worry about it. And dream about them spending foolishly and yell at them in my dreams, which is the only place it seems I can yell at them because they don't hear me in real life.

And my mom's health. She's doing mostly ok, but her memory isn't great and I know it upsets her, and it is still hard for her to do things physically. So I dream about her telling me she's worried about her health, or dream that she has more problems.

I hate worrying about things I can't control, but I don't know how to just let it go. Sigh