Sunday afternoon/evening. Myra is sleeping, Sam is snoozing on the couch. And the creative urges I have been sitting on, keeping them locked down, need to break free. I need to paint and draw and write, I feel like I won't feel settled today unless I do. I started creative writing Friday night, and like always, once I open the door a little, everything creative wants to come out.

I don't know why sometimes I feel afraid of being creative. It soothes me, it makes me happy. It makes me feel...good. Alive. And yet, I sit on it a lot. I'm trying to work on that.





With Sam asleep, I figured it would be a good time to start playing. He didn't bother me while I was drawing a tree with hot pink flowers that is everywhere down here, or when I was drawing my favorite foot bridge that I see on my way to work every day.

But Sam is apparently a painter. He had to help, check out my paints, see how I was mixing colors.





I haven't picked up paints in a very long time. I decided it was more important to play and put colors to paper instead of worrying it's not good. I think that is part of why I don't paint much. I love it, but I don't really know how to do it, or I don't know how to do it the way other people do. But just playing with colors, blending white into my swirly blues and greens, trying to make my heart have wings, it felt really good. So I guess I shouldn't worry about not doing it right.






It says: Let your soul and spirit fly free.

Painting, drawing and writing seem to do that for me.

Hrm. The painting is actually much more vibrant, and the photos in iphoto look brighter and richer. Not sure why they seem flatter on the blog.

Put on your dancing shoes

I was reading Giggling in the Rain and her post about Get up and Dance made me want to make a Get up and Dance playlist of my own.

I am always dancing, I just love having fun to music. But I didn't have a playlist of the songs that make me have to get up and jump around.

Songs that have me shaking my boo-tay (warning, extreme cheese to follow):

Dig Down AdriAnne Lenker
Candy girl (sugar, sugar) Archies
It 's My Life Bon Jovi
Jump Jive And Wail Brian Setzer Orchestra
The Bible and the Belt Bucky Covington
Zoot Suit Riot Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Ain't No Other Man Christina Aguilera
Candyman Christina Aguilera
Girls Just Want to Have Fun Cyndi Lauper
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Come On Eileen Dexie's Midnight Runners
The Bitch Is Back Elton John
Devil's Dance Floor Flogging Molly
Lucky Star Madonna
Cherry, Cherry Neil Diamond

What makes you feel like dancing?

Mmmm toes

The best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously.





What? You got a problem?




Just about perfect in Myra's world -- she has fishy and her doggy tv. She will try to woof while still keeping fishy in her mouth.






In the world of furbabies, all is well.

Sam loves toes. He will come up to your unsuspecting tootsies and start licking them. If you leave him alone, he will soon start to nibble with excitement. I haven't figured out why toes are so tasty. He also really enjoys watching tv, he will sit there with his head cocked to one side, almost like he is listening.

Bedtime has become a little more complicated. Myra has always slept with us (well, she sleeps very happily in her crate until I go to bed, then she joins me). But she won't stay on the bed if Sam comes up when she first gets on. So when Tim tucks me in (yes, I insist on getting tucked in every night!), Myra gets up on the bed and Sammy gets locked out of the bedroom until Tim comes to bed. Myra is too tired to care at that point. Ah, the things we do to keep our furbabies happy!

My mornings are all about loving on these guys. Myra is in the front room waiting for her lovin, she starts rolling around so I can rub her belly. Sam will plop down right in front of her, purring as loud as he can, so I know I have to rub his belly too. It's a great way to start the day.

small, happy moments

• Running in the woods on a quiet, Sunday morning, coming face to face with a young male deer. The only sounds: birds in the trees, my feet on the dirt, nature
  

• Opening up a container of grapes to see them red/purple, fat and glistening. Perfect grapes.
  

• Myra making her wookie sounds as she rolls around on her back getting a belly rub
  

• Sammy licking my hand when I rub his belly
  

• Gluten-free brownies that are so good, you wouldn't know they are gluten-free
  

• Walking by someone's computer and seeing them reading an article I wrote. It's a powerful feeling to know people are reading your words.
  

• Knowing most of our bills are already paid for the month
  

• Putting letters or cards in the mailbox, knowing the people you are sending them to will like and appreciate them
  

• Chai green tea with vanilla soymilk and a blueberry gluten-free waffle for breakfast
  

Totally digging...

Colbie Caillat

I found her on Itunes, her song "Bubbly" was the free single of the week. I downloaded that, plus Realize and Magic. It took me maybe a day to download the rest of the album, and it has been on constant rotation since then.

Her music is summery and light and touching. It has the essence of the beach, with beautiful lyrics that you want to listen to over and over. Her music feels like love.

"Take time to realize, this all could pass you by. Didn't I tell you? But I can't spell it out for you. It's never going to be that simple."

A great song, says Colbie Caillat, should lift your heart, warm the soul and make you feel good. Taking her own sound advice, "Coco", the debut album by the 22 year-old Californian singer-songwriter is simply crammed full of them. -- From her Myspace page

Check her out. I think you will be glad you did.

Kitten love

I might have found my kitten. Actually, I'm pretty sure she chose me as much as I chose her.

Her name right now is Dandelion, I don't know if I would keep that as her name if we keep her (the foster mom wants to adopt her with one of her kitten siblings, because kittens really shouldn't be adopted by themselves). I am going to try and convince my landlord to let us get two kittens, but I don't know if she will let us. This little girl, Dandelion, does love dogs though, so the foster mom might consider it.

I forgot how much I love being around cats, but man oh man, my allergies went on full-out attack mode. I used to be allergic to cats, and then once I got used to living with them, they went away, but I haven't lived with a cat for more than two years now. Getting a kitten (or two!) will mean living on allergy meds for a while but it is totally worth it.

Picture pages, picture pages

Some photos from the birthday cookout/gathering/party








Me and Mikki












Mikki and T











RM, me and Mik










RM, me, Tracy, Mik






















Me, as a silly dancing queen











The homeboys

30, Flirty and Thriving

Me, at my beach after my 30th birthday party

I had so much fun turning 30, it was really perfect in just about every way. The flight home was easy-peasy (an hour and a half, how cool is that?!). It was so short we didn't feel like we had been traveling at all.

Friday night, my parents gave me the best present they have ever given me -- they made me a scrapbook with pictures from the time I was a baby on up. This is huge. My mother is not someone who does creative projects. And she is not someone who makes homemade gifts, or generally appreciates them. She made a scrapbook for my aunt that came out excellent, and I just raved about how thoughtful it was, so she listened and made me one.

I can't describe how much I love it, how much I love that they put in all this time and effort, choosing the right pictures, the right layouts, the right accent decorations. I will treasure it always.

Saturday was the party, or cookout, or gathering, as I started calling it. I hate things where I am the center of attention, and I haven't had anything for my birthday, other than just my parents, since I was 16. But this was a lot of fun. Some of my closest friends were there. My parents and some longtime family friends, family on my mom's side.

While I obviously didn't get to spend as much time with everyone as I would have liked, it was great to see everyone all in one place. Seeing my friends again only served to remind me how much I miss them, but now I can get back to see most of them on a more regular basis.

Sunday was my actual birthday, and I spent it in such a perfectly me way. We went to my beach, I got to play in the water for a long time since it was really nice and comfortable. Tim even came in with me for a while. After the beach, I went up to the scuba shop to see my second family, the family I babysat for growing up, and then stopped in at another store to say hi to Bailey, their daughter.

It was fun and special and I will now always have great memories of turning 30. Can't wait to see what this new decade will bring!

Traveling!

We will be back in Mass tomorrow night, for the first time since Christmas, and we are both more than ready. One of the many cool parts: we only have a two hour flight to get there!!

Other cool parts: My parents are flying us up

We're having a cookout at my parents on Saturday, and I will get to see almost everyone I really care about all in one place.

I get to go to my beach, one of my favorite places in the world.

And oh yeah, I turn 30 on Sunday. That's not too bad either.

Hooray peer pressure!

Ok, that might seem like an odd post title, but today it was definitely a good thing.

I went out for my first trail run in NC today, meeting a group of runners from MeetUp.com for a run at Lake Johnson. The lake was really pretty, all green, with morning light making the trees glow and the lake sparkle. Lots of geese and ducks everywhere (watch where you step!), who were happy sunbathing and looking for food. One big goose hissed at me, but I told him to be nice, and he seemed to agree to.

The other runners were nice and easy to talk to. I ended up running with this girl Jenn, who runs at my pace and we talked about being people-without-kids in an area where being asked if you have kids is probably the second, maybe third question you get asked.

We ran just over three miles on a nice paved trail through the forest. We got back to the boathouse, waited for the other runners to get there and decided to do an extra loop, this time a dirt trail that was just over a mile. This was an actual trail, with some good hills, walking on a log to cross a small stream, dodging roots and such. Now just the first part of the loops was already the longest I'd run down here, but I'm glad I kept going. I felt good, and really enjoyed myself. I only had to stop once near the top of a particularly steep hill.

And where does the peer pressure come in? Well, it's harder to just stop or quit when you are with other people, and I certainly wouldn't have done the second loop if I had been on my own (plus the added bonus that I didn't know where I was going...)

It was the longest I've run down here, and I feel like I'm home now.

Great to read, think about, strive for

Words of wisdom from the Dalai lama

The joys of wheels

The other day, Lisa and I went rollerskating for 18+ night at Oaks Park. It was so much fun, and being on wheels makes me happy. It reminds me of how I was almost always on skates when I was younger. And it was fun to skate to music, not recorded organ music.

One of the things that made the night even more fun was watching other people and their joy in skating. There was an older guy who was zipping along on his roller blades. Girls who were dancing backwards. A rink worker who was having all kinds of fun zooming around backwards (I really want to learn how to skate backwards!). There was this black guy with a Rastafarian-type hat who was doing all these great dance skate moves who was just having so much fun.

It was neat to see how wheels make people happy.

And the clouds broke...

Wow, what a difference a little sunshine can make. It's been cloudy, grey and raining for a while now, with not many times when the sun has been shining. It came out for a little while, and my mood, which wasn't bad to begin with, immediately brightened with the addition of the sunlight.

It felt springier. It felt happier. It was really nice to see the sun, and while I know the sunlight and lack of sunlight affect me, I didn't realize how happy a little sunshine can make me. And of course as soon as I brought Myrawonderpup back in from her walk, it clouded up again. But at least there was a little break.

jjj..ob interview!

At a little-known place called Duke University.

They called today, I'm going to meet with them next week when I am in NC, about a position as a staff writer at the Clinical Research Institute (part of their medical center).

Very excited. Even if nothing happens, it's ok. We're moving forward again, not staying stuck in one place. And it just feels like further confirmation that NC could be a good thing for us. Portland was good for us when we came here, and working at my last job, despite the challenges, was a really good thing, because it was great experience with a well-known academic medical center. But now Portland isn't where we need to be right now. And I feel like we are headed in a good direction again.

Happy Spring!

We have officially past the spring equinox and are now legally allowed to say it is spring, even though it has been spring here in Portland for well over a month.

Every time I walk Myra through the neighborhood, there are more flowers blooming, more cherry blossoms and magnolia trees. Daffodils, tulips, happy little purple flowers, trees with new leaves budding, and still more flowers. I make mental paintings every time I'm outside.

I love the energy of spring, I love watching everything come to life, feeling like I want to be outside as much as possible (of course the weather is being a tease, we got a couple of great, warm days, then it went back to being cool or rainy).

It's also the season of impossibly cute stuffed animals, I'm trying to resist the urge to buy lots of cute chicks and sheep. And of course, Peep Day (otherwise known as Easter) is coming up. I've never been much into halloween, I don't really like halloween candy all that much (other than candy corn), and it just seems like an excuse for adults to get drunk and act stupid in costumes.

Easter on the other hand. I love easter candy. Peeps, jelly beans, the cadbury eggs (although I can only eat those in very small doses). And of course, now that I'm adding food back in, I have made the decision that I really don't want to add much sugar back in, because I like not having a lot of sugar. We'll see how good my willpower is -- I just don't want to get re-addicted to sugar, so it's easier to not have any. Stupid good candy holiday :p

who were you? Who are you now?

Several things have come up recently that got me thinking about who I used to be when I was younger (in grade school and later), and how I've changed.

We watched the Bridge to Terabithia a few weeks ago (not at all how it is advertised -- the fantasy elements are actually a fairly small portion of the movie, and what you see in the previews is almost everything you actually see in the movie for the Terabithia stuff). Most of the movie focuses on the kids' lives at home and at school, how they are picked on for being outsiders and different.

I was that kid in grade school, in junior high, high school. I was always picked last in gym class. I was picked on by bullies. I hated riding the bus, because kids would pick on me. I would always try to sit up as close to the driver as possible with my nose buried in a book, hoping the bullies would just leave me alone.

And on a message board I frequent, one of the women said that her 8 year old daughter asked why no one likes her.

I was that kid too. I had friends, but more often than not, they excluded me. I always had to call them, and ask them to do stuff, it was not returned. I was the loud, silly girl, who cut off all her hair and wore mismatched earrings and loud/bright/odd clothes who always said she didn't care what people thought of her, but inside I was so shy, and always felt like I had no real friends, and that no one really knew me. I was invisible to guys, and always acted like I didn't care that I wasn't going to prom or anything like that. But I did care.

Today, at almost 30, I am worlds away from that sad, insecure girl. I have friends who I know will be there for me no matter what, friends who I know love me and know who I really am.

I have Tim and a wonderful, happy life with him.

Today, I am confident about speaking up for myself. I can honestly say I like who I am today. And I can say and mean that now I really don't care what other people think of me. The people who matter know who I am, flaws and all, and that's the important thing.

And the kid who was never athletic, who never played team sports, is a runner and a hiker and gets asked to play on recreational soccer leagues.

There is still a part of me that is shy, especially in group situations, the little girl who was always the wallflower at parties and dances is still there, but I know how to talk to people until I feel comfortable.

Who were you? Who are you now?

Happy Valentine's Day, Douchebag

So says Tim to me this morning when I woke up. Hee. Now, before you go thinking he's an ass, we just call each other names all the time, so this made me grin. I later wrote him an e-mail titled Happy freakin Valentine's Day (then got all mushy inside).

I love...

• how silly Tim can be
  
• how protective he is of me, his friends and loved ones
• how much he adores Myrawonderpup
• how much I laugh with him
  
• how much he supports and encourages me
  
• how safe I feel around him
  
• how perfectly we fit, whether we are hugging, curled up on the couch, whatever
  
• how we can (and do) talk about everything. I believe open, honest communication is a big part of our strength together.
  
• how smart he is. He is really one of the smartest people I know.
  
• where our life is going. We've been together almost four years and while we've had problems and challenges in our life, we've always been strong and solid together, and I'm just so excited to see what the future has in store for us

Hope you all have things to celebrate and love.

little happiness-es

Little things that made me happy today:

Having blueberry pancakes for dinner

Going on a date with Tim, going to see Pan's Labyrinth (eh...it was ok. It was slow and dark, and it looked better in the previews, but contrasting WWII in Spain with a girl's fantasy world, and showing how even fantasies aren't perfect was interesting, and it was beautifully filmed), and then going to Borders.

Buying new books (the next one in the Outlander series, yay! and the second Traveling Pants book), and new cds (Joni Mitchell's Blue -- I forgot how amazing this album is, how much I love it. It is one of those I can listen to all the way through and then want to listen to it again).

Doing all our house-cleaning chores today, so all that's left chore-wise is to go grocery shopping.

Adds up to a nice Friday with lots of little happies. :)

Inviting in joy

Idea from Omgirly

I love the idea of inviting more joy into your life, as well as deliberately seeking it out. It is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day -- paying bills, working, cleaning, making dinner, grocery shopping -- that days can go by without doing some of the things that bring you joy. So I thought if I wrote out some of the things that bring my joy, make me happy, it would be easier to remember to always seek them out and invite them in for a cup of tea :)

-- Running in the woods
-- Journaling
-- Drawing
-- Enjoying a cup of tea
-- Baking
-- Trying new recipes
-- Hiking
-- Playing soccer with Myra
-- Looking for small, pretty things on walks (new flowers, cool trees)
-- Making cards
-- Writing letters
-- Knitting
-- Cranking up itunes and dancing around the house
-- Wandering around Powells
-- Walking barefoot through the sand
-- Having friends over for dinner
-- Curling up on the couch under a blanket, reading, with a cup of tea nearby
-- Having a pot of tea in a pretty pot and cup, such as at the Tao of Tea
-- Road trips
-- Buying new pens or new card making supplies
-- Reading blogs, getting inspired
-- Finding new music, either through bloggie recommendations or playing around on itunes
-- Writing neatly, not rushed, so the writing itself looks pretty
-- Running in the rain (I have to remember that when it rains, that after the first few minutes, I actually really like it)
-- Napping, curled up under lots of blankets, with the pup nearby
-- Spending time with friends
-- Going out to dinner with Tim
-- Cold Stone Creamery (something that will be severely limited now that I'm pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant)
-- Watching Firefly
-- Watching Pixar movies
-- Driving over the Hawthorne bridge into downtown, and just loving how pretty the city is

That's a lot of joy :)

Little signs of spring

Out walking in the neighborhood today, I saw teenytiny little purple tulips sprouting, a bush with little purple flowers, and there were lots of little birds chirping happily in the sunshine.

The days have been getting noticeably longer again. It's light out till almost 5:30, and I as hate the dark of winter, I love when there starts to be a little more daylight.

I love the little signs that show the earth is starting to wake up again. One of the things that helps to ward off seasonal depression is that things stay really green in Portland in the winter -- trees are usually covered with green moss and sometimes leafy green ferns, lawns are green, etc. So it never feels as dead as New England does in the middle of winter. And now I'm reminded that spring starts way early out here. Last year, there were things with lots of bloom and colors in February. I love watching things come to life again.