With light

Comes shadows. One of my favorite light and shadow shots by Tim

Inspired by InspireMeThursday.com -- the topic was light. (Site found via Omgirly)

Last day of vacation...

Last official day of vacation...or unemployment, however you want to look at it. And I think I will soon be a bike commuter! We are very near a bike trail that goes up to downtown Durham, and it's easy to get to my Duke office building from there. Tim would have to drive me maybe a mile or two to the trail head, since there is no shoulder on the road or bike lane, but then it would be an easy 10 mile ride or so.

I'm thinking of getting something like this -- a nice commuter bike that will be comfy and fun to ride on. Nothing like Bianca, the wonderful Bianchi road bike I used to have when I was with Mark, but I'm not intending to put those kind of miles on a bike again. When I had Bianca, Mark and I would often go out for rides of 30-70 miles. I actually biked a century (100 miles in one go) on her. Now, I want a bike I can take on bike trails and bike paths, nice, easy rides.

And today, we are getting new phones (no, not the fun, snazzy iphone, just a new verizon phone). It's weird to be getting new regular cell phones on a day when even the mayor of Philadelphia is caught camping for the most anticipated phone. Maybe someday, when the prices drop to a reasonable level! lol. We are actually going to wander by an apple store tonight, to see how crazy people are getting over the iphone. Can you imagine people getting this excited for a new microsoft product, like a Zune phone? I don't think so...

Going down a new path...

The gate is open, inviting me down a new path. New job, new decade, new city. I don't know where the path leads, but I'm curious to see what surprises I will find.

I'm excited about turning 30, it seems so big. And I feel like I am more comfortable with who I am and what is important to me now than I was at 20 or 25.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Family reunions

A question on journalprompts.com asked what you most dread about family reunions, and since my bday cookout will essentially be a family reunion with some friends there (fortunately!), it got me thinking.

One thing I really hate is everyone asking when Tim and I are going to get married, or even worse, asking when we are going to have kids.

First off, I don't really think it is any of their business, and when we know when we are going to get married, they will most likely know. I hate how people feel like it's ok to ask these questions, and don't seem to think it is rude.

Now, here's the thing. Tim and I have always known we planned on being together for the long haul. When we were still very new in our relationship (VERY new), Tim said that he wouldn't be surprised if he ended up marrying me. So it's not like the question is putting weird pressure on us.

But one of the main reasons we don't have any plans to get married anytime soon isn't a reason I want to discuss with family members. We know we will have to pay for the wedding ourselves. My parents financial situation isn't great. This isn't something I want to rub in my mom's face, nor is it something I want to tell other family members. I'm the only child, and the daughter to boot. I'm sure my parents had always thought they would pay for a wedding for me. I know my mom has probably had fantasies of planning my wedding for most of my life. (The fact that what I want for a wedding is VERY different from what my mom would want is another story). But since we will be the ones paying for it, we have to save up for it. And for a while, we were saving up money to buy a house, because we figured it would be better to buy a house before interest rates started going up really high again.

And now, we've just moved, and have pretty much wiped out the good sized savings we had. So we have to start growing our savings again. I just don't feel like getting into this with family members who seem to think we should be on a set schedule, but I don't have a really good answer, other than we're planning on it someday.

Then there is the kid question. We are not planning on having kids. Neither of us wants them. We are very happy having Myra and our eventual kitty. But again, I don't really want to get into it with people who just think that having kids is what you do, it's what is expected. Because any reason we give is met with disbelief and trying to convince us otherwise. Thanks, but since we would be the ones raising the kids, we will make that decision for ourselves. I really hate the kid question, because I can't even just give a simple, "we're not planning on kids" answer, because then you get the why and whole conversation goes downhill from there.

Tim of course doesn't hesitate to be blunt or to tell people it is none of their business. Me, I try to be more diplomatic but that seems to make me feel more uncomfortable.

I'll have to try think of some good duck n'dodge tactics...

one week till...

I'm employed again.

I've been freelancing since November. I haven't had any work at all since April, and that was only six hours for the month. I haven't had to get up or be on a schedule for months and months.

And you know what? I am so ready to not be on vacation mode anymore, ready to actually get up every morning and go to work. I've been really, really bored. And now I know exactly how little you can do, and I'm ready for a change. And it will be really, really fantastic to have money return to normal and actually start building our savings again.

Plus, as much as I've loved being home with the boy and Myrawonderpup, I think it will be really good for me and Tim to not be together literally 24/7. I will really miss having the pup with me all day though.

On to new adventures!

Signs, everywhere

"Compliments accepted"















"Insight, freedom, wisdom, compassion, attitudinal healing"















"Gates lead anywhere"

running four miles fast and a lot of push ups...

can cure almost anything.

I've always been one to turn to exercise when I'm angry, upset, whatever. A hard workout, loud music and a lot of sweat have a way of getting rid a lot of emotions or at least helping you work through them. Running for me helps me keep my head on straight.

Yesterday was one of those days when I needed to run to clear my head and get me back on an even keel.

We switched our car insurance yesterday to a NC policy, and our bill dropped by about $60, which is cool because we've been paying WAY more for insurance than we should have been. But we had to pay them yesterday for the new policy, even though they just took out a payment last week for our old policy. And even though they are going to put most of the other payment back in our account, it just set me off.

This move has been so much more expensive than we ever thought. It has taken virtually all of our savings, even though we had planned initially that we would have enough money in checking to cover just about everything and not touch what was left in savings. The universe had other plans apparently. Combine that with the fact that I haven't brought in a substantial paycheck, and won't bring in a substantial paycheck until the end of next month, and we've been doing the fast money juggle and shuffle. We have a very small buffer for an emergency, but after being so good about saving for so long, it's hard to just keep see money flying out the door and seeing our available money until Tim gets his next paycheck get smaller and smaller. For a while, it was even looking like we wouldn't have any money to do anything for my birthday.

So paying an extra car insurance payment just really put me in a bad mood. I KNOW our money is going to be stabilizing soon. I know that once July starts and once I start at Duke, we'll be pretty much to where we were when I was working at OHSU. But in the moment, it was hard to see that. So I got on the treadmill, cranked up my shuffle and just ran. Set the treadmill on a fast setting and just sweated it all out. And then I did about 50 pushups.

Needless to say, the anger burned off, I was able to think clearly again and get my head on straight. And know that things really will be ok.

and they're off and running....

We are treadmill owners! Our lovely new treadmill just arrived, and is set up on our sun porch exercise room. Out there we have the treadmill, the total gym, free weights, yoga matt and ping pong table. And it has a separate AC unit, which is vital considering how warm that room gets.

We are both really excited. Me, so that I don't always have to run early in the morning or late at night to avoid running in the heat/humidity, and so it is easy to do speed workouts. Tim so that he can do cardio, and so he can actually run, because street running just does not work for him.

Myra isn't sure if she's excited, she kept wanting to sniff the new thing in her area. :)

And we discovered that oddly I make more noise running than Tim does. I think it is because he doesn't pick up his feet a lot when he runs, and he tends to walk really lightly and quietly. But the sunporch is insulated enough, with a really good door, that as soon as you close the door are in the actual house, you can't hear it. Which is of course of vital importance during football season... lol

Hooray peer pressure!

Ok, that might seem like an odd post title, but today it was definitely a good thing.

I went out for my first trail run in NC today, meeting a group of runners from MeetUp.com for a run at Lake Johnson. The lake was really pretty, all green, with morning light making the trees glow and the lake sparkle. Lots of geese and ducks everywhere (watch where you step!), who were happy sunbathing and looking for food. One big goose hissed at me, but I told him to be nice, and he seemed to agree to.

The other runners were nice and easy to talk to. I ended up running with this girl Jenn, who runs at my pace and we talked about being people-without-kids in an area where being asked if you have kids is probably the second, maybe third question you get asked.

We ran just over three miles on a nice paved trail through the forest. We got back to the boathouse, waited for the other runners to get there and decided to do an extra loop, this time a dirt trail that was just over a mile. This was an actual trail, with some good hills, walking on a log to cross a small stream, dodging roots and such. Now just the first part of the loops was already the longest I'd run down here, but I'm glad I kept going. I felt good, and really enjoyed myself. I only had to stop once near the top of a particularly steep hill.

And where does the peer pressure come in? Well, it's harder to just stop or quit when you are with other people, and I certainly wouldn't have done the second loop if I had been on my own (plus the added bonus that I didn't know where I was going...)

It was the longest I've run down here, and I feel like I'm home now.

Great to read, think about, strive for

Words of wisdom from the Dalai lama

Very good advice, really

Click here to see the sign.

Normal people are sheep-le

Words of wisdom from tim.

We were talking about the devious uses of hand sanitizer (no, not that, get your mind out of the gutter, stuff like fire starting material).

I said normal people don't think like that!

"Normal people are sheeple."

Well, yeah, I suppose you are right.

'Nuff said.

what a difference four years makes...

I barely remember who I was four years ago.

Today is T's birthday. Four years ago, we had been talking and flirting almost every day at work but weren't officially together yet.

Four years ago, I was still with Mark.

I was a prisoner in that relationship. His car wasn't in running condition and he "didn't have the money to fix it" so he took my car. He would drive me to work every day (at least a half hour drive, more like 45 minutes), then take my car for the day. He would pick me up at night. And if he had to work late at the newspaper, he wouldn't let me get a ride home from someone else, he would get angry and make me feel small and I would pacify him by saying I would just wait for him.

I was always accused of cheating on him or being interested in someone else. If I spent too long talking to male co-workers or talking to male sources for news stories. If I wore perfume. If I wore lipstick. If I was gone from the house on errands longer than he thought was required -- meaning if it took me more than an hour to go grocery shopping, he would start calling to check on me. I used to love to go out and do laundry because it was the only time I was allowed to be by myself for a few hours.

I wasn't allowed to have friends. We were together more than three years, and in that time, I think I can count on one hand the times I went out with someone else. He used to say that I shouldn't need anyone but him. That if I really loved him, I wouldn't need or want to spend time with other people. I knew things were really messed up and crazy, but I had no support network. And it wasn't like I could talk to anyone on the phone, because he listened to my conversations.

I was a prisoner of his anger. He would fly into road rage at the drop of a hat. Once, we were on the highway and some kids started tailgating him in the high speed lane. He pulled over to the next lane, let them go by,then sped up, got right on their ass and started highbeaming them. They switched lanes, he did too. They made for an exit ramp, he did too. And these kids flew down the exit ramp. He crossed a lane of traffic and flew down the exit ramp as well. He could see where they were on the road and was going to go after them, but my crying finally seemed to get through to him. Another time, some guy cut him off on 114 (main road with lights and businesses), and he sped up, caught up to the guy, cut him off and practically forced him to pull off into a parking lot. The guy was furious and Mark was planning to fight him. I was screaming in the car, and the other guy saw me and backed down and pretty much told Mark he clearly doesn't have much regard for his girlfriend if he was acting like that. Then when I told Mark how much it scared me, he got mad at me because I shouldn't question him and should just take his side.

He used to read KKK sites. He used to go around saying things like he wanted to blow up all of Lawrence and "get rid of all the fucking Spics." He wanted to get a gun license.

I wasn't allowed to journal, because he would always ask me what I was writing about, if I was writing about him.

He was an ex coke addict, and he made me give him percocets that I got one time for migraines (I hated them and didn't want them). He would take some before visiting my parents saying it helped him be more social and talkative.

I had to ask permission to do everything. I had to make sure he was ok with something, if he wasn't, if he got mad, I said it's ok, I didn't really want to do it, I won't do it, it's fine.

I dreaded using my debit card to pay for things, because our bank account was so often negative or we were waiting for a deposit to clear, that if I bought something for $2, I would mentally cross my fingers and hope that the card would go through.

I walked on eggshells all the time. I had migraines. I had random dizziness. I had stomach pains all the time.

And then I got a new job (the one he had to drive me to) and met Tim. We started talking over e-mail at work. Once when I was really upset (the day he forced the guy to pull off into the parking lot), I started to tell him what was really going on. Tim became my first friend in years. The more time I spent talking to him, the more I couldn't wait to come to work and talk to him more.

He gave me the courage I needed to finally leave Mark.

He has shown me what a healthy, loving relationship should feel like.

Since we have been together, I have rediscovered who I used to be before Mark. Playful. Upbeat. Dancing in coffee shops. Journaling. I have friends again. When I was still learning to uncondition the behaviours I learned with Mark, Tim was actively encouraging me to make friends, go out with friends.

I laugh all the time now. I have someone I know will be there for me no matter what. I have someone who makes me feel better when I cry, someone I can't wait to tell things to.

What a difference four years makes...

hooray for thunderstorms

Portland isn't really known for extreme weather. While it rains a lot, it doesn't usually have torrential downpours. Very few thunderstorms.

I love storms. I love the energy, I love watching the sky just open up and sheets of rain fall down.

I used to be afraid of thunderstorms, and would go hide downstairs in the basement until it was gone. And I was especially afraid of lightning, because I knew lightning often struck tall things, including tall trees. As our house was fairly tall (big A-frame house), I was always afraid lightning would strike our house and cause a fire.

I don't know when that fear went away, but once it did, I would either go outside and play in the downpour, or press my face against the window and watch. I love storm chasing in the car, when you can see the storm, either just ahead or just behind you. I just love the show nature puts on.

And the south is perfectly happy to accommodate my love of storms. The other night, we were driving to the movies (saw Ocean's 13, it was fun, much more like the first than the second), and it was raining so hard, we could hardly see, there were huge flashes of lightning lighting up the sky, it was just cool!

we're in the south now...

I had the radio on in the car, when I heard an announcement for the 7th Annual Bubba Lympics -- featuring spam carving, toilet seat tossing and more.

I'm pretty sure the radio station is doing this as a joke, and to let people make fun of how people see southerners. But....I'm also pretty sure that there are going to be some people who are going to be completely excited to partake, and will be only to proud and happy to show off their bubba-ness.

I told Tim I heard the announcement with amused horror.

Things you see while driving through Middle America

Observations from two trips across the country.


Signs for:
Come see acres of guns
The Testicle Festival (yes really)


Prairie Dog Town, featuring the world's largest prairie dog, a six-legged steer, a live 5-legged cow (I have a feeling it is a cow with an extra leg sewn onto her or something similarly awful)

The world's largest Elvis head. Yup, just the head.

The A-maize-ing Corn palace, made entirely of corn, making use of every possible Maize or corn pun ever invented and more.

Of course Wal-Drug, offering cowboy clothes, gemstone excavation, dinosaur fossils and much more

A convenience store/gas station that also sold wedding jewelry

Lots of vaguely creepy, seemingly pedophilia signs for the LIttle America Hotel, featuring lots of pictures of kids and then lovers embracing

Roads with no names, just letters, such as K or VV

A charming restaurant known as Steak N' Shake

A Jesus-friendly trucker motel

Back in the world

A lot has changed (again) since my last blog post. Now I can say with certainty that I am a North Carolina resident and a Duke employee. For a while, it wasn't looking like either would be definite.

We arrived in town after a long week in the car, driving from Portland to Durham. My skin had pretty much blown up -- whether from getting cross-contaminated with gluten from something (looking at you french fries) or sleeping on scratchy hotel sheets washed in industrial-strength detergent. Most likely a combination of both. Deciding to eat chicken ended up being the smartest (and really probably only) decision I could have made. I literally lived on salads with grilled chicken from McDonalds and Wendys -- often twice per day. This will likely be TMI, but it's my blog, so I'll say what I like. How the hell do people on the Atkin's diet go to the bathroom? I was eating virtually all protein, eggs, chicken, with some iceberg lettuce and random fruit mixed in when I could find it. Granted, my sensitive digestive track requires more care than most, but by the end, going to the bathroom or showering could reduce me to tears from pain. It's going to be a LONG time before I want to attempt any kind of long road trip again.

When we arrived in Durham, things rapidly headed downhill -- our house we were so excited about was not ready to move in, it was disgusting, with an overgrown lawn, and tons of trash the previous tenants had left. The landlord was less than responsive. We had to stay in more hotels, virtually homeless. Working-class homeless as I called it. We would stay as long as we could until check out, then live in our car for the day, trying to keep Myrapup out of the heat, trying to find a new place to live, trying to take care of paying for all the deposits for utilities, all while not really sure where everything was located. It was stressful for all of us.

When it looked like we would have to make a hard decision (go stay with my parents, have Tim drive up to Mass while Myra and I stayed in an extended stay place, etc), when we really needed to find a place to live where we could get in immediately, we found a new home. And the tide turned again. The house is perfect for all of us. Really quiet (for Tim). Huge yard for Myra. Clean and well-maintained (for me). We have great landlords. We were able to move into the house a day after looking at it. It's furnished, which helps, because it is a lot bigger than what we had before. The stuff we don't want/need, we are putting in a storage shed, but for the most part, it complements our stuff well.

I found out from Campbell that it is a no -- for now. They really like me and want to talk to me if another position opens up, they said it's just not the best fit for this particular consulting group, and honestly, I had got that feeling from the consultant who heads up that group. So I am a Duke girl now. I might keep job searching, who knows. But at least I have a job, and our life can settle and we can find a new normal now. Trust me, just sitting here, blogging, with my boy and my pup in the next room, knowing we don't have to be anywhere, is a most welcome slice of heaven right now.